Without a Paddle
by gypsywriter135
Summary: AU that features the BTT as the main characters, with appearances from a few others. Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert take a trip to find treasure after reuniting at a high school reunion. Crack is snorted... literally... Meme's mentioned. Shenanigans ensue.
1. Chapter 1

I got this idea a LONG time ago, and started it over the summer. I forgot about it and this weekend, I cleaned out my computer a little and found it. It was only 3 pages long, and after prompting from my friend, I started writing it again.

It's gonna be so epic...

I'm so excited for this, because when we watched the movie again today (I had to take notes!), it was so the BTT. Plus, it's gonna be a lot of fun, 'cause I love this movie so much!

Obviously, I had to change some stuff to make it fit in the Hetalia universe, but for the most part, it will follow the movie plot and shenanigans pretty well.

Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Hetalia: Axis Powers" nor the movie "Without a Paddle." I'm only using both of them for my own pleasure. :)**

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><p>Antonio sighed as he clipped his nametag onto his suit, smoothing out the wrinkles in his jacket as he walked towards the gymnasium of the high school. All around him, other people, his former classmates, laughed and smiled, milling about and talking with everyone. He looked around for any of the people he used to hang out with, but spotted none of them.<p>

_This was a mistake_, he thought, making his way to the desert table and picking up one of the cookies, munching on it idly as his green eyes roamed around the crowd.

In the corner was Toris, Ravis, and Eduard. The brunette was happily chatting with the smaller man, while the tallest of the trio sat on the ground, eyes glued to his smart phone. A little ways down the wall, Ivan stood with his sisters, Natalia and Katyusha on either side of him. The Russian's purple eyes were hungrily watching Toris, who, it seemed, was well aware of that fact. The Lithuanian was looking everywhere but the tall platinum blonde. Antonio noticed that Feliks had yet to arrive; otherwise, Toris would probably feel a little more comfortable. Katyusha was happily talking with her brother, while Natalia hung on his arm, glaring daggers at anyone who even dared to look at them.

Across the gym from them was Kiku and his brothers and sisters. Wang Yao was gushing over them, and Kiku was looking the other way, trying to figure out his escape plan. He caught Antonio's eye and smiled, excusing himself and coming towards the Spaniard.

"Antonio," the Japanese man grinned, putting his hand out. "I'm glad to see you here."

Antonio smiled, shaking the smaller man's hand happily. "Thanks for inviting me," he told him, though he was a little skeptical about the whole ordeal. He gestured to the brightly lit gymnasium with glitter and hundreds of decorations. "I hear this was all your idea."

Kiku smiled. "Well, mine and Elizabeta's actually. We've stayed in touch all these years and thought about getting everyone else together for a night. We figured that, since our school is so small, why not just make it a reunion?"

The brunette laughed. "Not a bad plan. But it doesn't seem as if the whole school felt the same way."

"I wouldn't say that. Many have stopped by to say hello, and then left. Others will be arriving late."

Antonio nodded. "I see. So how've you been, lately? Last I heard, you were some big salesman who made millions."

Kiku chuckled. "It seems my reputation proceeds me. Yes, I am in sales. But I've limited myself to who I sell to and what it is."

"What's that?"

"I mostly deal with the government. A lot of weapons transactions were made between countries because of me."

"Well, I don't about you, but that sounds like some pretty big dough."

Kiku laughed. "I never said that I didn't make a comfortable living. Just that it wasn't millions."

"Well played," Antonio grinned.

"What about you?" the smaller man asked. "I hear you've gotten into the gardening business."

Antonio nodded. "Yes, actually. I started my own tomato business. It's doing well, as a matter of fact."

"That's good. And are you enjoying yourself?"

Antonio grinned. "Yeah, actually…" he mused. "I've always liked growing things, and tomatoes really are an interesting plant."

The conversation trickled off, and he looked around once more at all the people. Mathias and Niklas had just arrived, and were making their way to Tino and Berwald at one of the tables. Eirik was sitting with them, arms crossed over his chest and looking rather bored with the whole affair.

Vash and Lilli were sitting at the table next to them, talking quietly with Roderich and Elizabeta. The Hungarian woman noticed his gaze and looked up, locking her eyes with him. She waved the two over, and they happily joined them. Elizabeta got up to hug Antonio.

"Tonio!" she cried, and the Spaniard inwardly cringed at the old nickname. "How've you been?"

"Pretty good," he laughed, breaking away from the hug. "Great idea here, Liza."

She positively beamed. "Thanks! I was hoping that everyone would be able to come for the entire night, but this is better than nothing, right?"

"Si," Antonio grinned. Then he noticed the way the light played around them and glanced down at her hands. He pointed to the engagement ring on her finger. "Who's the lucky man?" he asked.

Elizabeta actually blushed a little at the comment, looking down at her hand. She stepped back and put a hand on Roderich's shoulder. "He is, as a matter of fact."

Antonio held a hand out to shake the Austrian's, who took it with a small smile. "Congratulations," he told him.

"Thank you," Roderich said. He looked up fondly at Elizabeta, who had resumed talking to Kiku. "It's the best thing I've done in a while."

"Great. 'Cause little tiny frying pan wielding musicians is really what the world needs more of…"

Everyone turned their heads towards the person who had spoken, and Antonio brightened when he saw who it was. Elizabeta glared at him while Roderich simply scowled.

"Better than some egomaniacs roaming around proclaiming their false 'awesomeness' to the world," the Hungarian woman retorted.

"That's 'cause you just don't understand the epic levels of awesome that roll off me," Gilbert smirked.

Elizabeta scowled. "Why're you here, again?"

The pale man actually frowned. "I went to this school too, remember?"

"How could we forget," Roderich muttered. "You caused more trouble than should have been possible."

Gilbert grinned. "Sure did!" he proclaimed proudly.

"At least until you dropped out," Roderich said bitingly. Gilbert frowned.

"Doesn't matter. I was still a part of this school. I deserve to come to see everyone too!" he snapped.

"This was for people who graduated," the Austrian man scoffed. "The only way you could even get in was if you came with someone."

"Wait!" Elizabeta cried, and all eyes turned to her. "Ludwig said that he was bringing a guest… Surely he didn't mean…"

The albino smirked. "Bulls eye."

As the engaged couple groaned, Gilbert seemed to notice Antonio for the first time. He turned his red eyes towards his childhood friend and smiled. "Antonio! Long time, no see!"

The Spaniard grinned back, and the two embraced quickly. "Indeed, amigo. How have you been? I haven't seen you since your twenty-first birthday."

"Good times," the taller man laughed. "Even if I don't remember half of what happened…"

Antonio chuckled. "Yes, it was quite the experience. I don't think I ever found out what happened to my pants that night…"

His friend erupted into loud laughter. "And didn't Francis end up passed out in my front yard naked?"

"He did, and I was the one who had to clean up after you three."

Both Antonio and Gilbert turned to see a large blonde man standing behind them, a scowl on his face. Gilbert brightened.

"There you are, West!" he exclaimed. "You were taking forever at that nametag table, so I just slipped through the doors. You really need to pay more attention to what I'm doing. You might miss out on something awesome."

Ludwig rolled his eyes, turning to greet the other members around him. Elizabeta hugged him before pulling away and frowning.

"You didn't tell me that the guest you were bringing was your brother," she complained.

The tall blonde shrugged. "Was it really that important? Besides, he wanted to come."

Elizabeta's frown increased. "Yes, but he-"

She was interrupted as both Antonio and Gilbert howled with laughter, the latter nearly doubling over in glee. A few other people around the gym looked at them curiously.

"At least-" Roderich began, was cut off when a loud shout came from the two other men, who began running to the entrance to the gym, where another man with long blonde hair was hollering, grinning.

"Nevermind…" he muttered, making his fiancé glare at him.

The entire gym was now entirely focused on the trio at the front of the gymnasium. They were laughing and punching one another. Gilbert nearly jumped on the newcomer's back in happiness.

"Francis, you dork!" he grinned.

"Bonjour!" the blonde laughed, straitening so that his friend did not climb on his back once more.

"Mi amigo, it is good to see you!" Antonio agreed, smile big enough to split his face in two.

"Ja! Antonio and I were just talking about the good old days!"

Francis nodded. "Then by all means, don't let me spoil the fun!"

Gilbert howled once more, pumping a fist in the air. "To the food table!" he cried, dashing off to the small porch outside the gym where a table covered in several dishes of food stood. There were a few vacant tables in the corner of the porch.

His friends had no choice but to follow him, albeit in a more dignified manner. When they disappeared around the corner, the sounds of the laughter still drifting into the gym, the remainder of the people simply shrugged and went back to their own business.

"Well, this is sure to be an interesting evening…" Kiku said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

"I can't believe the three of them are back together…" Elizabeta muttered. "They caused nothing but trouble for this school when they were in high school, even after Gil dropped out."

"If it makes you feel any better, it's been almost ten years since they saw each other," Ludwig shrugged. The rest of the table looked at him. "Between Francis' work schedule, Antonio moving out of town, and Gilbert… being Gilbert, the three have hardly even talked to each other."

"And now one night ruins all that…" Elizabeta sighed. "It was supposed to a peaceful, fun evening. Not a zoo…"

Meanwhile, out on the deck, the three friends just couldn't stop laughing. They were reliving old memories, and the grins didn't seem to leave their faces. They sat out there for hours, nobody from inside stupid enough to enter their domain.

Which, of course, was fine by them.

It wasn't long before they had abandoned the table to sit on the railing of the porch, drinks in hand. Francis and Antonio were nursing their own glasses of wine, while Gilbert was on his fifth mug of beer.

"Gott, it's good to see you two again," he said, taking a swig. He turned his red gaze to the other two, who grinned back at him.

"Si," Antonio agreed. "And to think that I almost didn't come tonight!"

Francis swirled the wine in his glass before raising it to his lips and sipping delicately at it. "Oui, I too thought of not attending."

This caused the German man to scowl. "Why not? I thought you guys were all good with the rest of the class?"

The other two shrugged. Gilbert's scowl increased as he drained the rest of his beer. "Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm glad that you did. Otherwise, you would have totally missed out on my awesome presence!"

Sharing a glance, Francis and Antonio both rolled their eyes before turning back to their friend. "So, mon ami," the Frenchman said. "Why did you come? I distinctly remember you saying that you would never step foot in a school again."

Antonio shot a surprised look at the other man, who was glaring at the ground below them.

"Ja, so? I wanted to see everyone. I don't…" he trailed off, glare intensifying.

"Don't what?" Antonio asked, curious at the odd behavior the other was displaying.

"Don't want them to go without my awesomeness more than they have too!"

The other two said nothing about the blatant lie, choosing instead to ignore it.

"Hey, Francis?" Gilbert suddenly said. He never could stand silence. "You still got that tree house in your back yard?"

"Oui," the blonde affirmed. Gilbert grinned. "Oh, no!" Francis said, frowning. The smile on Gilbert's face quickly turned to a smirk. "No one has been up there since graduation. It's probably got termites and will fall apart the moment we set foot inside it!"

"I don't know," Antonio said, thoughtfully, looking pensively in his glass. "That thing is pretty sturdy, and mi padre helped build it. You know how good he was at getting the best stuff to make things."

Before anyone could say anything else, Gilbert had flipped around and stomped back to the porch floor. He slammed his beer glass on the table and looked at the other two. "Let's go!" he exclaimed. "I think it's time that we get drunk and have a party up there! For old time's sake!"

Antonio grinned, following the other's example and coming to stand next to him. They grinned at Francis, who was looking at them like they had grown two heads. When their grins only widened, he sighed and turned, hopping down before draining his glass.

"I'm going to need more alcohol if we're doing this," he told them.

"No problem!" Gilbert replied. "Now, who wants to have the awesome me accompany them on the drive down there?"

"You can come with me," Francis sighed, waving a hand. He started towards the steps that led from the porch to the parking lot below, Gilbert following enthusiastically.

"Shouldn't you tell your brother where you're going?" Antonio asked, digging his keys out of his pocket. "I mean, won't he get worried?"

Gilbert waved his hand in the air to dismiss it. "Nah, it'll be fine. I've got my phone, so he can call if he worried himself sick. Besides, we're just going to Francis' house. It's not like we're leaving the country or anything."

A frown formed on Antonio's face, but he said nothing. When the other two went down the street to the Frenchman's car, Antonio walked quickly to his own. As he did so, he grabbed the nametag on his suit and flung it into the back of his already cluttered backseat. Climbing in, he revved up the engine and pulled out of the parking spot, turning onto the road with ease.

He was amazed when he pulled up behind Francis' car twenty minutes later in the blonde's driveway. Said man was climbing out of his car, Gilbert following suit as he hugged a twelve pack of beer. He set it on top of the car before disappearing back into the passengers seat and withdrawing an already opened bottle. He took a huge gulp as Antonio walked up to them.

"Did you stop to get this?" he asked, eyeing the huge package of alcohol.

"Of course," Gilbert grinned.

The Spaniard looked to Francis, who frowned. "It's amazing how fast you get to the convenient store when Gil's driving."

Gilbert cackled.

"Needless to say, I drove the rest of the way."

"Aw, don't be a party pooper, Franny. It's all in good fun."

"Now I know why you don't have a car of your own."

"Harsh, Francis. That hurt."

"You'll live."

"I don't know. My life is slowly slipping away… you may need to go buy some more beer to make it up to me."

"I bought this pack!"

"The rest of the world will never know my awesomeness…"

Antonio giggled, grabbing the beer as the two bickered back and forth. "If you two are quite finished, we should get to the tree house before this beer goes bad."

Gilbert drained this beer in his hand before chucking it back into Francis' car, slamming the door shut. The blonde glared at him.

"Oh, I'll get it later," he insisted, following the brunette as he made his way to the backyard, leaving Francis' no choice but to sigh and follow them.

The tree house wasn't necessarily impressive, but it was better than those stick ones that the other kids had built in their neighborhood. There was a balcony, and a cloth covered the entrance inside, a window on one end. There was a rope with knots to climb up, and a ladder, the steps crooked.

With a grunt, Gilbert leapt onto the rope, easily pulling himself up. He scrambled onto the balcony and grinned down at his friends. "I'll see if the pulley still works. That way we can get the beer up!" he called, and disappeared from their sight.

"I doubt that the thing still works," Francis said. "It hasn't been used it over a decade. I'm surprised that this rope is still in as good condition as it is. I was suspecting it to be frayed and sn-"

A loud "Thunk!" cut him off, and he jumped back. On the ground at their feet was a small basket attached to a thick rope. Looking above their heads, Gilbert's white hair gleamed in the moonlight.

"Send her up, Antonio!" he yelled, smile huge.

Giving a surprised Francis a grin, the brunette stepped forward and gently set the beer in the basket. He cupped his hands around his mouth and tilted his head upwards. "All good, Gil!"

A few seconds later, the rope went taunt and the basket began to rise. After about a minute, Gilbert's happy cry sounded down to the duo on the ground.

"Okay, guys! We're all set!"

"I can't believe that worked," Francis muttered as Antonio jumped onto the rope, climbing slowly. It took him a little longer that Gilbert, but he eventually made it to the top, the albino assisting him onto the balcony.

"Your turn, Francis!" Antonio called down, sending him a smile.

"No way!" the blonde frowned. "I just got my hands manicured. No way am I going to waste hundred of dollars climbing up a stupid dirty rope!"

"You get manicures?"

Francis could just see Gilbert's incredulous face as he walked over to the ladder. He grabbed onto the board at chest height and lifted a foot onto the bottom one, beginning to climb. "Of course!" he replied back. "A man of my stature and handsomeness must always look his best! I don't want to be looked down upon just because I don't groom myself regularly like-"

As soon as his foot hit the fifth rung up, it snapped under his weight and he tumbled to the ground below, landing on his back with a loud "Oof!" Above him, Gilbert cackled with laughter.

"What was that about being looked down on?" he smirked. Francis glared at him.

"Are you okay, amigo?" Antonio asked, worry in his tone.

"Oui, oui," Francis said, a little out of breath from the fall. He stood up slowly, frowning when he noticed that his new, and expensive suit, was covered in mud. "Now my clothes are dirty!" he cried, scowling.

"Suck it up, pussy!"

Glaring at the taller man, Francis moved to the rope, wiping his hands on his ruined clothing. He grabbed the rope and began slowly climbing. When he was halfway up, the rope began to swing back and forth violently, causing his ascent to stop and clutching on it for dear life.

"Stop that!" he yelled angrily, looking up. "Gilbert!"

It was both Antonio's and Gilbert's laughter that reached his ears this time, and he frowned. "Et tu, Antonio?" he asked.

"Sorry, Francis," came the reply. "Couldn't resist."

The rope stopped swinging, and after a moment, Francis loosened his hold and started to climb once more. The rope shook again, and he shrieked, hugging it to his chest.

"I said stop!" he cried.

More laughter.

"Okay, Francis, we'll stop," Antonio assured him.

"Hurry the fuck up, Frenchie!"

Scowling once more, the blonde hurried up the remainder of the distance, glaring at Gilbert when he was safely on the balcony.

"I never enjoyed that," he said angrily. "Not even when we were kids."

"It's all in good fun," Gilbert told him. He grabbed the beer and stood up, walking to the makeshift door. He pulled the curtain back and jerked his head towards the inside. "After you, princess."

Glare increasing, Francis followed Antonio into the house, Gilbert ducking as he entered, letting the cloth fall back into place. There was the sound of his rustling around before light shone from the flashlight in his hand.

"How'd you remember where that was?" Antonio asked him, green eyes wide.

Gilbert shrugged, setting the beer on the tiny shelf next to some beanbag chairs before rummaging around. He let out a triumphant call when he found the lantern and flicked it on, setting it in the middle of the circle of three beanbags. He plopped down in the red one closest to the beer.

"Still has my ass print," he said.

Francis rolled his eyes, sitting in his own blue one next to the albino, wiping some dust off in the process.

"I remember this being a lot bigger," Antonio said, also taking his place in the green one between the two. He made a face as he sat. "I also remember these being a lot more comfortable…"

"A lot changes in twenty years," Gilbert told him. He opened the beer package and tossed one to Antonio and another to Francis, before popping open his own and taking a swig. He smacked his lips, looking around.

"The fun we used to have in here," Francis muttered, running a nostalgic eye over all the junk in the small house. There were the three beanbags, and several action figures hung from the beams from the ceiling. Pictures and posters covered the walls, and boxes of other toys were stacked all over the place.

"We did have some awesome times in here, huh?" Gilbert asked, taking a box sitting besides him and pulling it in front of him. He blew the dust off of it, making it go into Antonio's face. The Spaniard began coughing and sneezing, glaring at his friend. Gilbert merely grinned. "Sorry, Toni."

His response was in the form of a middle finger.

Chuckling, Gilbert opened the box's flaps, rummaging inside for a moment before pulling out a deck of cards and tossing them to Francis.

"Hey!" the blonde exclaimed, catching the deck, setting his beer on the floor beside him. He eagerly opened the dusty pack, shuffling the well-worn cards in his hands. "I remember these! They were from when I wanted to be a magician!"

"The Eloquent Frenchman," Antonio hummed, a small smile on his face.

"Wow, so creative," Gilbert smirked. "Didn't you try to pull a bunny of a hat and it bit you?"

Francis shot him a look. "I was lucky that I didn't get rabies from that thing, since someone decided to get a wild rabbit instead of buying one from the store!"

The shrug that Gilbert only caused Francis to glare. "It was cheaper. I wasn't gonna waste my money on something as stupid as magic."

Antonio reached forward, tugging the box closer to himself. He searched through it as his friends began bickering once more.

"Oh, but you'll waste your money on stuffed animals?" Francis taunted.

"Hey! I'll have you know that those are collectables!" the younger man defended himself. "I can sell those back and get more money than I paid for them!"

"Oh? Then why did they sit in your room for five years?"

"Because everyone knows that things are better with age!"

"Gilbert, you named them all…"

"…So…?"

"And you have the gall to tease me about a childhood stage?"

"The animals were a stage for me too!"

"You bought one every time we went to the fair!"

"That's 'cause-"

Gilbert's response was cut off when something flew in his lap, making him grimace. He glared at Antonio, who smirked at him.

"Whoops," the brunette said. "Sorry, Gil."

Gilbert was about to reply when he notice what his friend had thrown him. It was his old film camera. He grinned. "I was wondering what happened to this!"

"Hey, what else is in there?" Francis asked, placing the cards back in their box and setting them aside. Antonio pushed the box towards him, leaning back in his beanbag chair.

"Hey, there's still film in here!"

Ignoring their friend as he began to snap pictures of the old tree house, the flash bright enough to light up the entire thing, Francis shifted through the contents. Gilbert's attention was captured when he pulled out a small, metal lunch box, wrapped in bungee cords to keep it closed.

"Oh, mien Gott…" he murmured, letting his camera fall to the floor. "I forgot all about that…"

"Is that what I think it is?" Antonio asked, reaching forward to grab it out of Francis' hands. He gently pried the cords off and clicked open the locks on it. He opened it and smiled softly. "It's all still in here."

"Really?" Francis got up from his seat to kneel beside the Spaniard, Gilbert following suit soon after. They all gazed into the metal tin.

Gilbert was the first to reach in, taking out a postcard of the Berlin Wall, its corners bent and the picture faded. "I can't believe this stuff is still here…" he whispered, running a hand over the old card.

"I know," Antonio agreed, reaching in and pulling out a pen with a springy tomato on the top. The tomato had a smiley face on it. Antonio grinned. "Senor Tomato," he said affectionately.

"I think this is yours," Gilbert said, making a face as he threw a small, square package at Francis.

"My first condom!" he exclaimed, catching the tiny object. "I remember the first time I had to go and get a box. I was so embarrassed, I didn't know which kind to get, and I didn't want to go alone, so I dragged Roderich along with me."

"Isn't that nice," Gilbert muttered, rolling his eyes before grabbing a map at the bottom of the lunch box, a plastic compass and a few cassette tapes on top of it. "Look, it's the map!" He unfolded the huge piece of paper, running his eyes over the notes and trail that three of them had picked out years ago.

"Oh!" Antonio said, leaning over to look at it. "The lost treasure of Pirate Palgrave Firecrotch!"

"Who decides that their pirate name is going to Firecrotch?" Francis asked, also looking over the map.

"Obviously someone awesome."

""But not as awesome as you, right, Gil?"

"Of course."

The three sat in silence for a long while, just looking at the map, before Gilbert suddenly grabbed the map, folding it up and sticking it in his jacket pocket. He grabbed his postcard and snatched Antonio's pen and Francis' condom from their hands before throwing all three in with the compass and tapes and snapping the lunchbox close.

"We can't get this stuff back, guys," he said, locking the box once more.

"What?" Francis asked, Antonio looking dejectedly sad as his favorite pen was taken away from once more. "Why?"

"Don't you remember the oath we took?" Gilbert asked. "About how we wouldn't get back our own treasures until we found the big one?"

"Gil, that was when we were ten," Francis pointed out. "We're thirty now…"

"So? An oath's an oath."

"Wasn't it a blood oath?" Antonio asked thoughtfully.

Gilbert pointed a finger at him. "You're right! So now we _have_ to find the treasure!"

The other two looked at each other, Antonio shrugging before grabbing the map out of Gilbert's pocket and opening it once more. "I'm game," he said, using a finger to trace the path they had outlined in red crayons as kids.

"Oh, we could even re-do the oath!"

"What?"

Francis' exclamation went unheard as the German man produced a pocketknife, flicking the blade out. He tossed it from hand to hand.

"I wonder what happened to that paper with the oath on it?" Gilbert thought aloud.

"It's probably somewhere around here in another box," Antonio replied.

"Dude, we could totally get a canoe for this trip!"

"Guys…" Francis said, trying to get his friends' attention.

"Oh, good idea! And we can take the whole week! I know this little-"

"Guys!"

The two looked up at Francis, who had stood up. He sighed. "Guys, we can't just go on this trip all of a sudden."

Gilbert looked confused. "Why not?"

"Because I have work!" Francis cried, running a hand through his muddy hair. He scowled. "I can't just suddenly not show up to work for a week. My clients will be asking for me."

"I'm sure that people can get on with life without a couple's therapy session for a few days," Gilbert dismissed, knife stopping in one hand.

"No, I can't!"

The three friends looked at each other, before Antonio spoke. "Francis, we haven't seen each other in years… This could be the last time we see each other until the next high school reunion…"

"Ja," Gilbert agreed, a frown on his face. "And by then we'll be old men… So this is the last chance we have to do something incredibly stupid together…"

Looking at his friends, Francis knew there was no way he was getting out of it. He sighed and flopped back down to his beanbag chair. "Fine…"

Gilbert let out a whoop. "Alright! Now, who wants to go first to do the oath?"

Francis glared. "I already agreed to go on this stupid trip. I am _not_ going to prick my fingers. I didn't do it then, and I won't do it now."

"How come you didn't do it then?" Antonio asked.

"Because a proper man's hands should not be filled with scabs and blemishes. It isn't sightly."

Gilbert and Antonio looked at him, Gilbert tapping a finger against his lips. The two looked at each other out of the corner of theirs eyes before they sprang forward. Francis let out a girly scream, rolling to try to avoid them.

A small scuffle ensued after that, of which Francis was not the victor. Gilbert smirked triumphantly at him from where he had ended up on the floor.

"Was that really necessary?" the blonde asked, sucking on his bleeding finger.

"Don't be a wimp."

"You could have cut my finger off!"

"It's a tiny pinprick! You'll live."

Antonio chuckled, grabbing some beer and tossing one to each of his friends. Gilbert looked a little too happy when he snapped open the top. He held his beer out to the other two.

"To being awesome!" he cried, grin huge.

"To friendship!" Antonio agreed, thrusting his own bottle out.

They looked expectantly at the third member of their party, who rolled his eyes and clinked his own beer against the other two. "To the Bad Touch Trio," he muttered, though there was a grin on his face.

Gilbert cackled and the three took a long drink.

"Now let's get drunk!"

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><p>And so it begins!<p>

Like I've said before, I'm so excited for this! It's my main priority right now, just 'cause I can't get it out my head. Chapters will come whenever I finish them. Considering that I finished this one in a day, it could very well be that the next one will be this week.

As long as I stay motivated for this, I should finish it! (That, and my friend will kill me if I don't...)

The first few chapter will probably be boring considering it's just setting up the story and introducing characters. But I figure that around, oh, chapter three, things will get interesting. So hang on until then!

Reviews are always appreciated! Flames are used to make the weather go back to being warm...


	2. Chapter 2

Told ya' the next chapter would be up soon. :)

I took a bit of creative license in the first part of this, because I needed someone to get into an argument with a spouse/family member, and since I have other plans for the other characters, and we've already met Luddy, him and good ole' Gil get into it. It works out, though. Plus, I needed some Prussia angst, 'cause I'm me. :)

Anyways, here's the next exciting chapter!

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Hetalia," nor the movie "Without a Paddle."**

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><p>Gilbert groaned as he felt his pocket vibrate, the sound of the phone against the wooden floor grating on his headache. He reached blindly into his pants, pulled out the offending object, and flipped it open, holding it to his ear.<p>

" 'Lo?" he grunted, rolling onto his back. He tried to open his eyes, immediately shutting them when the sunlight pierced them without mercy.

"Bruder! Where the _fuck_ are you?"

The albino flinched at the loud tone Ludwig was using, pulling the device away from his sensitive ear before getting the courage to put it back and answering his brother.

"Um, Francis' house, I think," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes, trying to make them not burn when the light reached them.

Ludwig swore on the other end. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Morning?"

"Of course it's morning, you arschloch!" Gilbert had to pull the phone away again, faced scrunched in pain. "I've been looking for you everywhere!"

"Look, West," Gilbert tried to reason, opening an eye slowly, grateful when he didn't have to immediately close it. "Francis, Antonio and I were just reliving some old memories. We're hanging out. There's nothing to be… to be worried about."

There was silence on the other end and Gilbert thought that his brother had hung up before Ludwig spoke again.

"You say you're at Francis' house?"

Gilbert nearly sighed with relief. "Ja. Up in our old tree house. You know, the one where-"

"I know," Ludwig's voice snapped. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes.

There was a click on the other end that signified that the other had hung up. Gilbert sighed and closed his phone, eyes slipping shut again as he rubbed his temples.

"Was that Ludwig?"

The pale man turned his head slowly to the side to see Antonio blinking rapidly at him. Francis stirred in the corner.

"Ja," Gilbert sighed, attempting to sit up. He was proud to say that, even though his head was pounding, he wasn't nauseas in the slightest. He looked around the tree house. "He's on his way over now. Luckily, he didn't seem too pissed."

"That's good," Antonio said, also sitting up with a grimace. "Oh, my head."

"I'm never buying you a twelve pack of that German beer ever again, Gil," Francis huffed, rolling to face the other two. He gave the tall man a weak glare.

Gilbert's reply was only to grunt.

"I hate this."

Antonio had correctly summed up the situation.

"Just like old times, huh?"

"Except I could drink a twelve pack without feeling like this back then…"

"Old age is not kind, mon ami."

"When is Ludwig getting here?" Antonio asked, sliding over to one of the beanbag chairs and resting his upper body on one. He sighed in relief.

" 'Bout ten minutes," Gilbert told him, running his eye over the blonde who had curled up the corner. "Francis, why are you naked?"

Seeming to realize this for the first time, the Frenchman blinked his eyes open slowly before looking down at himself. Antonio let his head flop backwards to look, wincing as his headache increased.

"Huh…" he said. "I don't know."

"Well, put some clothes on," Gilbert snapped, holding his head in his hands. "No one wants to see that."

"It's not like you haven't seen it before."

"That was unintentional, and you know it!" Gilbert growled.

"And then there was that time where-"

Gilbert moved his hands to cover his ears. "La la la! Not listening!"

Across the room, Francis smirked, reaching forward and grabbing his pants, shimmying into them on the floor. Once he had them on, he slowly stood, swaying a little before he caught himself on the wall. He raised an eye at Gilbert, who was now hugging his head to his knees, eyes closed. "I thought that even the awesome Gilbert would be able to hold his liquor better than that."

Gilbert flicked him off.

Francis chuckled, taking a few shaking steps before stooping down and picking up his shirt, slipping it on but leaving it unbuttoned.

"Breakfast?" Antonio asked hopefully.

"Sure," Francis replied, making the Spaniard grin tiredly. "But first we have to figure out how to get down from here."

Gilbert waved a hand in the air without looking up. "Just wait 'till West gets here. He'll help."

"Gilbert!"

"Speak of the devil…" the albino muttered, lifting his head and crawling to the balcony, Francis and Antonio following slowly.

Below them on the ground stood Ludwig, a scowl on his face as he look up at the trio. Gilbert gave him a little wave. "Hiya, West."

The scowl on the tall blonde's face increased with intensity. "Bruder, get down here. Now!"

Gilbert flinched. "Not so loud, West. You'll wake the neighbors."

"It's one in the afternoon!"

"Sorry, Toni. Looks like you'll have to settle for lunch instead."

"How about brunch instead?"

"That could work. I've got some lovely fruit I just bought the other-"

"Bruder!"

"Alright, alright, we're coming down!" Gilbert called, frowning. "Just make sure I don't fall!"

Gilbert slowly lowered himself onto the rope, cautiously making his way down. He slipped a few times, but managed to catch himself. Once he was safely on the ground, Francis followed, almost sliding down the entire way. When his feet touched the grass, he let the rope go with a shove, shaking his rope-burned hands frantically, tears welling up in his eyes.

Antonio made it halfway down before he seemed to forget what he was doing and let go to rub at his eyes, falling the rest of the way. He blinked at the other three as they gathered around him.

"You okay?" Gilbert asked.

The brunette only blinked.

"He's fine," Francis said, reaching down to help the smaller man up. He swayed slightly, latching on Francis' shirt before he was able to stand by himself.

Gilbert turned to his brother as the two made their way inside. He offered him a little grin. "How was the rest of the reunion?"

Ludwig's ever-permanent scowl deepened. "It was fine until I wanted to go and couldn't find you."

"You could have just called me on one of these nifty little devices called cell phones. You see, they-"

"I did try calling you!" Ludwig exclaimed angrily.

Gilbert frowned. "You did?"

"I tried all night!" the blonde glared. "You only picked up just now! I was out searching the entire city for you!"

The albino man took his cell phone out of his pocket. Sure enough, there were several missed calls and voice messages from his brother. It was amazing that he hadn't heard his phone going off until this morning.

"Why didn't you just come to Francis' house in the first place?" he asked. "If I were you, that'd be the first place I would have looked."

"I did! No one answered the door! I had no clue that you were in that stupid tree house."

"Hey, it's not stupid," Gilbert reached a hand up to massage his temple. "And stop yelling. You're making my head hurt."

Ludwig was staring at him, an unreadable expression on his face. "Are you drunk?"

"I think the correct question is 'Were you drunk?' of which I would have to say yes to."

"So let me get this straight. You left the reunion with your high school friends, spent all night in an old tree house, and got drunk."

"Seems pretty accurate to me."

Ludwig groaned. "Gilbert, what is wrong with you?"

The older man looked up. "What're you talking about? There's nothing wrong with me."

"Obviously, something is!" Ludwig cried, causing Gilbert to flinch. "If you had just told me where you going before you left last night, I wouldn't have run around all night looking for you, and we wouldn't worry about missing out flight!" he glanced at his watch. "Which just so happens to be leaving in an hour!"

Gilbert waved a hand. "Relax, West. You need a chill pill. We'll make the flight and-"

"You're missing the point!" Gilbert blinked at his brother's outraged exclamation. "You need to be more responsible! If I had known that you were going out after the reunion, I would have changed to a later flight! Now, if we miss our flight, I won't be able to get a new one until late tonight, which means that I'm going to be late to the office tomorrow, and I need to get to the preliminary hearing to set up my argument! Cases like this don't just fall into you're lap, you know! At this rate, you'll never make it in the lawyer business if you don't start thinking about what you do before you do it!"

Through Ludwig's entire rant, Gilbert's face morphed from one of confusion to one of anger.

"Maybe I don't want to be a lawyer!" he yelled, ignoring the pounding of his head. "Ever think of that? Maybe I don't want the same life you do!"

"What else are you gonna do?" Ludwig asked. "You're a high school drop out! You're lucky I got you the job you have! If you just behaved, then you could quickly rise to the top!"

"What if I don't care?"

"That's part of the problem! You can't do things on a whim!"

"Well, I hate to break it to you, _bruder_, but I'm going on a treasure hunt!"

The preposterous idea seemed to stop Hurricane Ludwig, who merely looked at the older man. "What?"

"A treasure hunt," Gilbert huffed, crossing his arms.

Ludwig seemed to process this for a few seconds before what his brother was suggesting finally clicked. "A treasure hunt…?" he asked.

"Ja. You know. Lost pirate booty. Gold. Jewels. The whole shebang."

The tall blonde groaned. "See, it's things like this. If you would only apply yourself in the workplace-"

"Why can't you just let me be happy?" Gilbert snapped. "If I wanna go on a treasure hunt with my friends, then I should be able to go."

"I should have never have brought you to this reunion," Ludwig hissed, glaring at him.

"Well, you did. And now I'm going on a treasure hunt, and there's nothing you can do to stop me." Gilbert purposely knocked shoulders with his brother as he walked pass, heading to Francis' house.

"And how do you plan on getting home after this excursion?" Ludwig called after his retreating form.

"I'll find my own way!" Gilbert yelled over his shoulder, shooting him a angered look. When he reached the sliding door of Francis' house that led directly to the kitchen, he turned around. "I don't need your Gott verdammt help!" With that, he shoved the door open, entered the kitchen, and slammed it shut behind him, glaring at his reflection. He blew an angry breath through his nose as he watched Ludwig stomp back to his car and get in.

Sensing eyes on him, Gilbert turned to glare at his friends. "What?" he spat, red eyes blazing.

"Nothing!" Antonio chirped, going back to setting the table. Francis shrugged, resuming stirring something in a pot on the stove. Gilbert sunk into one of the chairs at the table, pushing his plate forward and letting his head fall forward until it landed with a "slam" on the wood.

"Stupid hangover," he muttered to no one in particular.

As Antonio walked back to the counter to grab the silverware, he gently patted the white head of hair that was his friend in comfort. Francis continued to stir, the smell of his cooking wafting through the house.

However, Gilbert had lost his appetite.

000000000000000

The next day found the trio sitting in a packed car. After deciding that they would take Francis' car (Antonio's was falling apart and Gilbert remained carless), Gilbert and Antonio getting into a scuffle about who got shotgun ("Only awesome people get shotgun!" "Are you implying that I'm not awesome when I was the one who saved your ass that one time we-" "Okay, okay! You're awesome!"), the three friends finally began their rode trip.

It was a long trip; eight hours in the tiny car with only two other men for company. Antonio and Francis could have handled it fine; just roll down the windows and pop in a CD. However, they were no match for Gilbert's boredom.

After two hours, the tall man in the backseat was already complaining about the cramped space, the lack of anything interesting, the temperature in the vehicle, and anything else that he could. Antonio had seemed to tune it out; but then again, he had always been able to space out on the drop of a hat. He was simply staring out the window, elbow propped on the door and chin held in his hands.

Francis, on the other hand, was getting increasingly annoyed. His hands kept clenching around the steering wheel and his eye had a constant twitch every time the albino criticized something.

Mostly his driving.

"Gott, you drive like an old woman, Franny," Gilbert was currently ranting, sprawled out over the entire backseat, legs propped up on the door, beer in hand. "The speed limit is fifty-five."

"I'm going fifty-five, Gilbert," Francis managed between clenched teeth.

"No, see, I said speed _limit_. That means that you have to go a _minimum_ of fifty-five. Which implies that going _faster_ is okay."

"I think your logic is flawed."

"No, my logic is awesome. Your driving, on the other hand, is not. Could you please go _at least_ seventy?"

"No, because this road is twisty and there are a lot of sharp turns and I value my life."

"That doesn't mean you have to go so slow. You know, if I were driving, then we would be at least half way there already instead of spending another twelve hours in this thing."

"It's only six hours, Gil."

Gilbert bent his neck back, letting the top of his head rest against the back window. "Might as well be twelve," he muttered, draining the rest of his beer and setting it in the cup holder.

"You're like a child," Francis told him, maneuvering the car around a steep curve.

The younger male pointed a finger at him, sitting up slightly. "Hey, watch it. At least I don't constantly say 'Are we there, yet?' every couple seconds. As much fun as it is, it gets pretty boring, so I decided to spare you that particular torture."

"My, how kind of you," the blonde murmured to himself, coming to a complete stop at a four-way intersection. He looked every way and waited a few seconds before continuing forward once more.

In the backseat, Gilbert groaned, flinging an arm over his eyes. "At this rate, we'll be lucky to get there by the end of the week."

The car was launched into blissful silence for a few minutes, and Francis thought that Gilbert had fallen asleep. He reached down to turn the radio up when-

"Your car smells funny."

Francis internally groaned, resisting the urge to slam his head repeatedly onto the steering wheel. Even though it might cause them to crash, the price of Gilbert's silence wasn't really worth Francis life.

"No, seriously," Gilbert was saying. "It's… I can't really place it. It kinda smells familiar, but I don't remember what it is…"

Chuckling, Francis said, "I don't know."

Gilbert was running narrowed eyes over the leather interior of the small car. "Damn, what is that smell?"

Francis shrugged.

It was quite for a short while, Gilbert mumbling to himself possibilities as he rubbed the seats with long fingers. He finally sat up suddenly, sitting in the middle of the seat. "Wait," he said, the expression on his face suspicious. "This is your car…"

"Great deduction, Sherlock. It only took you two and a half hours for you to figure that out."

Gilbert scowled. "Ignoring that," he frowned. "What I mean is… this is your car… and I'm sitting in the backseat…"

The two locked eyes in the rear view mirror, Francis smirking triumphantly. Gilbert's face morphed into one of disgust.

"Ew!" he cried, lifting himself off the seat before he realized that his hands were touching the leather. "Ew, ew, ew!" He pulled his hands up, kneeling on the floor of the car.

"I don't think I'd get on the floor," Francis sniggered, thoroughly entertained at his friend's antics.

Gilbert's expression turned to horror. He gagged a few times, Francis letting out a loud laugh before screaming in terror as his friend jumped into the front seat, making the blonde jerk the steering wheel to the side. The motion caused Antonio to jump, letting out a yell as the car almost hit the rail before Francis hurriedly grabbed the wheel and yanked it to the other side. He slammed on the breaks at the same time, making the car spin around before coming to a stop facing the other way. Antonio's seatbelt snapped the poor man into the seat, knocking the breath out of him, while Gilbert went flying into the backseat, landing on the cushions.

In no time at all, the tall man had picked himself off, shoving the door open and crawling out of the car, wiping his arms and torso off in an odd-looking dance as he pranced around the middle of the street.

Francis glared at him and angrily unbuckled himself, stepping out of the car. "What the fuck, Gilbert?" he screamed to the panicking man. "You could have caused us to get into an accident!"

"What just happened?" Antonio asked, climbing out of the car and rubbing his sore neck. He looked from the dancing Gilbert to Francis, who had resorted to yelling at the oblivious albino in French. "Guys!"

Francis blinked, stopping his tirade, and looked at the brunette. Gilbert halted his panic attack and stood a few feet away from the other two, a frown on his face.

"Now, would someone please tell me why we almost just _died_?" the Spaniard snapped.

A long, pale finger pointed accusingly at Francis. "His car is disgusting!"

The blonde scowled. "You're the one who jumped in the front seat!"

Antonio felt a headache coming on. He glared at the two bickering men, noticing how Gilbert refused to come any closer.

"I'm not sitting in the back of that car ever again!" Gilbert screeched, glaring at his friend. "I can't believe you would do that!"

"I was joking!" Francis yelled back. "If you actually acted like a mature adult, then maybe I wouldn't have had to resort to extreme payback!"

"So you _don't_ have sex in the back of your car?"

"I wouldn't say that don't…"

Gilbert's frame shivered. "Francis, that's so gross!"

"Oh, I clean it afterwards," he dismissed. "I would never allow someone to sit in my-"

"Alright, that's enough!" Antonio interrupted, coming to stand between the two other men. He glared at both of them. "Now, we can either stand here all day and waste time, or we can get back in the car and finish this trip!"

Francis and Gilbert gaped at the smaller man. Antonio very rarely lost his temper, and was the voice of reason even less. But when he did get angry, it was like a twister where nothing survived his path. And right now, they were in the eye of the storm.

Needless to say, the two men shut their mouths with a "snap" and hurried to the car. However, Gilbert still refused to sit in the backseat. And since Francis didn't trust his driving, Antonio ended up behind the wheel with Gilbert in the passenger seat, Francis sitting in the back. Antonio buckled himself in, glaring at the younger man when he refused to do so.

"I ain't doin' it," Gilbert mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Gilbert, you flew into the backseat," Antonio told him. "If we get into a real accident, you could flying through the window and die."

"That'd be awesome."

"You'd be dead."

"But it'd still be awesome."

"Buckle. The seat belt." Antonio's bitten response was accompanied with a death glare. Gilbert squeaked and fumbled to belt himself in. When the clip clicked into place, Antonio offered his friend a happy smile. "Yay!" he sang, and started the car, turning it around and heading the direction they had been going before.

One good thing about Gilbert sitting in the front seat was that there were a few more things to do to stave off his boredom, meaning that he was quiet for a good hour, a huge feat for the loud man. It was when he was looking through Francis' music collection that he gave out a squeal of delight.

"I can't believe you swiped this from the box!" he cried happily, waving an old cassette tape around.

"What is it?" Antonio asked, glancing at it out of the corner of his eye. He grinned when he realized what it was. "Oh, I forgot that was in there!"

In the backseat, Francis chuckled. "I couldn't very well let it sit in that lunchbox any longer. It needed to be taken for one final spin."

Shoving away the rest of the music, Gilbert reached forward and popped in the tape, turning up the volume. There was the sound of nothing for a moment before Gilbert's ten-year old voice sounded through the car.

"Welcome to the Bad Touch Trio's Sexyfine Time!" the high-pitched voice cried. "Featuring me, the Awesome Gilbert! Kesesese!"

Gilbert grinned at the younger version of himself, cackling along with the tape. Antonio grinned.

"With me, the Love Doctor," came a second voice from the speakers, the tone as sultry as an eleven-year old could get. "I think we should arrange the alphabet. That way, I could put 'U' and 'I' together, ohn hon hon hon hon."

"Wow, cheesy much, Francis?" Gilbert snickered, turning around to face his friend. The blonde shrugged, grinning.

"And Professor Tomato!" a giddy, heavily Spanish accented voice added. "Fusosososo!"

The three friends in the car burst out laughing as their younger selves conversed on the tape.

"First up, we've got a great song compliments of the awesome me!"

"Ah, my song!" the current Gilbert cried, reaching forward and turning up the volume. The car began to blare with his younger self's high-pitched voice as he sung his lungs out, the albino cheerfully singing along. "The best! The most fearsome! You guys can praise me, I'll show you my massive dream, a succession of victories for sure!"

Catching Francis' gaze in the rear view mirror, Antonio grinned, and soon the three of them were all belting out the lyrics, voices loud as the wind rushed through the open windows.

Only four more hours left to go.

000000000000000

As Antonio pulled the car over to the small grocery mart in the tiny town, Gilbert and Francis laughed, finishing up the chant they were doing from their high school sports games. Antonio grinned as he turned the car off, taking the keys out of the ignition. He followed his friends in getting out of the car, tossing the keys to Francis as he walked around the back of the car to stand beside the smaller man.

They were looking around the isolated town, a few old, greasy men sitting out in rocking chairs, watching them curiously. Across the street, several children were riding and chasing a huge pig, the animal making loud grunting sounds as it walked.

"Where are we again?" Francis asked, watching the entire display distastefully.

"The corner of 'Bumfuck' and 'You've got a purdy mouth'," Gilbert muttered, eyes narrowed as he ran his eyes over the town. He sighed when he saw a pay phone a few feet away. "Hang on, I gotta make a call."

"Oh, here!" Antonio chirped, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a square phone. "You can use my new phone! It's one of those fancy satellite ones that gets internet and all that cool stuff!"

Gilbert took it from his outstretched hand, fiddling with it curiously. He accidently pushed a button on the side and the Spaniard's ringtone rang out. It was a happy-go-lucky sound, all about a man who loved tomatoes and all the things you could make with them. The albino frowned.

"I don't think I'd be proud of that ring, Antonio," he said, rolling his eyes.

The smaller man's face fell. "What, why?"

"Because it's…" Gilbert stopped, not having the heart to crush his friend's spirit. He sighed. "Nevermind." He turned his back, walking away from him and Francis as they went off to find the information about getting their canoe. The tall man punched in the digits on the phone, holding it up to his ear as he came to stop. He crossed his other arm over his stomach, standing outside an open car garage. As the line ringed, he glanced in, frowning when the men inside glared at him; he wandered slowly away.

"Hello?"

"Hey, West," Gilbert greeted, meandering in large circles as he talked.

"Bruder," Ludwig's deep voice came from the other end. "How are you doing?"

"M'fine," the older male replied. He sighed. "Look, I just wanted to make sure that we were okay. After the yesterday, I feel like… like…"

Thank God Ludwig spoke Gilbert and knew that was as close as the man came to apologizing. "Ja, me too."

Gilbert sighed in relief. "Good. Now that I've got that off my chest-"

"I've arranged a flight for you to come home on Wednesday," Ludwig interrupted, making his brother scowl on the other end.

"What?"

"It leaves at four in the afternoon, so make sure that you make it. I don't want to have to-"

"What makes you think I'm coming home right away?"

There was silence for a moment before Ludwig's confused voice rang out. "What do you mean you're not coming home?"

"I told you. Antonio, Francis, and I are going on a treasure hunt." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his two friends walking back towards him. They were laughing and punching each other playfully. Gilbert grinned.

"I thought you were joking," Ludwig was saying. "Or that it was at least a product from your drunken night that you would have forgotten."

Francis had Antonio in a headlock, and the smaller man was motioning for Gilbert to take a quick picture. Gilbert sniggered and held the phone away from his ear as he snapped the picture.

"Hello? Bruder?"

When Gilbert put the phone back to his head, he had just enough time to hear his brother's irritate grumble before the younger man hung up. He frowned, looking down at the phone before thrusting it back to his friend.

"Here," he growled, striding back to the car.

"Ooh," Francis said, following him, Antonio trailing behind. "I'm assuming that it didn't go well?"

"No, shit, it didn't go well," Gilbert snapped, glaring at him, good mood gone, at least for the time being.

There was a brief sound of galloping before a policeman on horseback rode up in front of them. The three friends gathered on the hood of the Frenchman's car as the dirty-blonde officer dismounted, tying his steed to a post next to them. He had long dirty-blonde hair, a single long hair falling in front of his violet eyes, the strand twisting at the end.

"Hey there, boys," he said, walking up towards the trio. "Just passing through, eh?"

"Yup!" Antonio smiled. "We're going on a treasure-"

Francis slapped a hand over the other man's mouth, halting his speech. "We're just going up to the river on a camping trip," he said, lowering his hand, patting the brown head of his friend as he did so.

"River's dangerous this time of year," the sheriff told them, frowning a bit. Antonio knew he was the sheriff because he held a gold badge on his uniform that said "Sheriff Matthew Williams."

"We got it covered," Gilbert said, waving a hand in the air. "I've gone camping lots of times."

"Name one," Francis challenged, frowning.

"When we were twelve."

"That was in your backyard!" Francis cried. "We stayed out there for three hours before you got scared and we ended up going back inside and watching movies the rest of the night!"

"Excuse me?" Matthew interjected. "I suggest that you might want to think about taking your little trip elsewhere, eh?"

"Hey, are you Canadian?" Antonio asked gleefully, green eyes shining. Beside him, Gilbert face-palmed.

"What are you doing, Toni?" Francis whispered to him harshly, watched Matthew's face turn into a sad frown. "You can't just go around asking people if they're Canadian!"

"Where's Canadia?" Gilbert asked, face scrunched into a confused scowl.

"Why not?" Antonio asked, oblivious as always.

"Because someone might get the wrong idea!"

"Will someone please tell me where the fuck Cana-what's it is?"

As the three friends' argument heated up, Matthew sighed, looking back at his horse. He slowly made his way towards the white stallion, petting its face as he untied it. "Kumajiro, why even bother naming me sheriff if no one pays any attention to me?"

Looking in the animal's eyes, the blonde man sighed. It was as if his own horse didn't even know who he was. With that, he mounted the animal, taking the reins as he turned him around, trotting back the way he had come, completely unnoticed by the trio. It was as if they had completely forgotten that they were even talking to him at all.

* * *

><p>A few important thing to note:<p>

1) The line "The corner of Bumfuck and You've got a purdy mouth" is taken directly from the movie. I take no credit in coming up with that.

2) There is a reference to another movie in here. Points to whoever can figure out what it is and which movie it's from.

3) Yes, the song that they sing in the car is "Mien Gott," Prussia's Character song from the movie "Paint it, White!" I thought it was appropriate and fun. The lyrics are the English version, since, for the sake of the fic (since it IS an AU) they are in America. Don't ask me where... I have no clue.

Poor Canada. Even in alternate universes, he gets no recognition. Don't worry, Mattie! You're still important!

Whelp, that's all I got for now. The next chapter probably won't be done for a while. This weekend is gonna be crazy, and the week after is the time where professors like to schedule all the exams at the same time. But it'll get done, or else my friend will murder me during my sleep... and she knows where I live...

Reviews are always appreciated! Flames are not. I will burn those flames into flames themselves (Burnception...? O.o).


	3. Chapter 3

I'm really sad that this still doesn't have any reviews...

My writing's not that bad, is it? :(

I'm still gonna finish this though... But reviews are nice :)

This chapter was a bitch to write, 'cause it's kinda slow, and I got really distracted. The real fun isn't until the end, and then I feel like it rushes... But I don't know. Please enjoy! :)

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Hetalia" or "Without a Paddle."**

* * *

><p>After hopping back in the car for another thirty minutes to drive just out of town to the canoe station, arguing over which canoe to take ("Get the red one! It's more awesome than the other ones!" "Gilbert, the red one won't fit all three of us." "But-" "No!"), and actually carrying it to where the river met the bank (Gilbert complained about it being too heavy, and Francis didn't want to get dirty. "You're going on a camping trip, you moron! You're going to get dirty anyways!"), they finally got it into the river. Antonio was securing their bags in the canoe and Gilbert was…<p>

"Why the fuck are you bringing so much beer?" Francis asked as he watched the tall man loaded a third case of alcohol into the boat. He straightened and gave the blonde an unreadable look.

"Why not?" he asked, shrugging. "It's not gonna be an awesome camping trip without beer."

"Actually, it'd still be pretty awesome," Antonio piped up, coming up to stand behind Gilbert. "After all, you're here, Gil."

"This is true…"

"Please don't encourage him, Antonio."

"So, with both me _and_ the beer, its like, doubly awesome."

"You'll probably be puking the beer back into the river by the end of the night."

"Ja, but I'll be doing it awesomely."

"You do everything awesomely."

"Antonio, stop!"

"Nein! My stroke my awesome ego, Toni!"

"That sounds so wrong…"

"It sounds awesome."

"Antonio!"

"Kesesese!"

Letting out an irritated sigh as the other two men giggled and cackled, Francis (almost) stomped his foot on the ground, crossing his arms over his chest, sticking his lower lip out in a pout. Gilbert wiped a tear from his eye, still grinning.

"Oh, we're just messing around, Franny," he gasped, red eyes swimming with amusement.

"Si, have a little fun, amigo," Antonio grinned, hanging off the taller man as he clutched his stomach.

"I'm not going to have fun if Mr. Potato here gets drunk and then sick," the Frenchman huffed, ignoring the way Gilbert frowned at him. " 'Cause he'll be hanging off me and then he'll puke on me and-"

"That was one time!" Gilbert exclaimed. "One fucking time and you've never let me live it down!"

Francis glared at him. "I was on a date and about to score some, and you had to come barging in and-"

"Oh, come off it!" Gilbert snapped.

Antonio sighed, coming to stand between the two men. "Let's get going," he suggested.

That brightened the albino's mood instantly. "Ja! Let's go treasure hunting!" He grabbed a beer and held it by the neck in the air. "I christen thee the USS Sexyfine!" He swung down and smashed the bottle against the side of the canoe. The bottle shattered and broke, letting the brown liquid flow into the river, shards of glass landing on the rocks at the bottom.

Francis grinned at that. "Because everything the bad Touch Trio does is sexy!"

"And awesome!" Gilbert added, flinging the broken bottle into the woods surround them.

The brunette smiled. "Let's go!" He hopped in the front of the canoe, grabbing a paddle and setting it across his lap.

Francis stepped in after him, taking his own paddle. Gilbert bent down, pushing the canoe off the riverbank with a grunt. As soon it cleared the mud, he scrambled in behind Francis, using his paddle to steer the boat in the correct direction.

"Whoo!" he cried, thrusting his fists in the air, paddle clenched tightly in his grip. "This is awesome!"

"Look at the fish!" Antonio exclaimed, taking a hand off his paddle and pointing in the water where several large were swimming around.

"I wonder what kinds of fish those are," Francis thought aloud.

"Brown trout?" Gilbert suggested lightly.

"Does it matter?" the Spaniard said. He turned around to grin at his friends. "Let's just enjoy this!"

"I hear ya', Toni!"

"It's so beautiful out here," Francis murmured, looking around at all the wildlife around him. On top of a small hill stood a deer, grazing. Its head popped up as their canoe passed, Antonio and Gilbert chatting amiably. Francis smiled softly at it, taking in the wonder of seeing it up so close.

The deer bared its pointy teeth, growling at the Frenchman.

Francis blinked, taken aback. Last time he checked, deer weren't supposed to have sharp teeth… let alone growl.

He shook his head, putting it out of his mind as he dipped his paddle into the clear water, helping move the small boat with the current. The three friends talked and laughed, reminiscing and discussing all that they had missed over the years. Antonio told them all about his business, Francis explained some of the techniques he used at work, and Gilbert told horrible jokes that made them laugh regardless.

When they had to go to the bathroom, the three friends simply stood in the canoe, carefully; Francis threatened Gilbert with bodily harm if he tipped the boat over. They went while the canoe continued down the river ("Gilbert, stop! You're spraying me!" "I'm trying to write my name!").

Of course, if being in a car was bad enough, sitting in a canoe was like torture to Gilbert. At least in the car he had room to stretch out and things to entertain himself. In the canoe, all he had was nature…

And a stick.

He wasn't sure where he had picked it up, or if it was in the canoe when they had gotten it, but he had grabbed it and twirled it around in his hand. He smirked as he saw Francis wave a hand in the air, swatting bugs away from his face.

Leaning forward slightly, he gently prodded the tip of the stick on the back of the blonde's neck, making a small buzzing sound. Francis smacked a hand where the stick had been, Gilbert quickly pulling it away. He sniggered quietly, leaning forward again.

The game lasted quite a while, much to Gilbert's amusement. Francis was growing increasingly annoyed; so much so that he dug through his bag at his feet and produced a huge can of bug spray. He sprayed it all over himself, the wind making the foul smelling substance to spray directly into Gilbert's face. The albino coughed, gagging slightly as the spray got into his mouth. Francis either remained oblivious, or chose to ignore him.

However, when the "bugs" kept attacking him, Francis turned around to ask Gilbert if he was getting the same treatment. Imagine his surprise when he found the tall man giggling like mad. He glared at him. "That's not funny!"

"I dunno. I thought it was."

"That's because you're immature."

"Oh, stop." Gilbert dipped his hand in the river, gently splashing the other man with the water. Francis sputtered, shaking his wet hair.

"Hey!" he cried. He took his paddle and thrust it into the water, creating a huge wave and aiming it towards his friend. It hit Gilbert square in the chest, instantly soaking him.

Red eyes narrowed. "Oh, it's on."

"On like Donkey Kong."

With a battle cry, Gilbert used his own paddle to splash Francis. The blonde ducked and the ball of water hit poor Antonio, who was completely oblivious to the war that was going on behind him. His head went forward with the force of the water, and he blinked as the cold water soaked his head and back.

Hearing laughter behind him, he turned around, confused, until he saw his friends, both different degrees of wet, pointing and laughing at him. He frowned.

"Why?" he asked innocently.

"Wasn't aiming at you," Gilbert laughed, grin huge.

"Nice shot, though," Francis complimented.

Antonio's eyes narrowed and he jammed his paddle into the river. His friends' eyes widened and they tried to scramble back as far as they could.

"No, wait, Antonio-"

"We weren't-"

Their responses were cut short as water splashed in their faces. They both sputtered, spitting water out of their mouths, hair sticking to their foreheads. After wiping their eyes clear, they found the brunette grinning triumphantly at them from the front of the boat.

"Oh, you're dead, Toni!"

An epic water fight followed for the next several minutes. When it ended, all three were completely soaked, laughing like madmen as they floated down the river.

"Gott, I haven't had this much in years," Gilbert chuckled, ringing the bottom of his shirt out in the canoe. A small puddle of water had accumulated at the bottom.

"Really?" Francis asked, squeezing his hair tightly to rid it of water.

"Ja," he said, dipping his paddle in the river to avoid the low hanging branch that was coming up. "Been busy, you know?"

"With your glamorous job at Ludwig's law firm?" Antonio snickered, wiping the water from his face.

Gilbert glared at him.

Chuckling, Francis patted his shoulder. "How about we pull over for the night. It's going to get dark soon, and we should probably change into some dry clothes."

"Ja, alright. Let's find the first landmark and make camp around there."

"What's it called?"

Antonio set his paddle across his lap, reaching down to get the map. He unfolded it and ran an experienced eye over it, pointing to something. "First we have to find the Russian's Nose, and then there's the Devil's Staircase… The Gateway to Hell is after that and then-"

"What's with all these satanic names?" Gilbert interrupted.

"I hardly think that the Russian's Nose is satanic," Francis told him.

"Might as well be."

"Don't you think you're being unreasonable?"

"That's besides the point. Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?"

There was silence for a moment before both Antonio and Francis turned around to gaze at the albino with incredulous expressions.

"What?"

Both men shook their heads, turning back forward. "Just look for the first landmark."

They continued for another hour before Francis shouted out, pointing to the right. There, in the dimming sunlight, sat a rock formation that had what looked like a man's face carved into it. Part of it protruded out far enough so that it resembled a large nose, making the "face" look extremely Russian.

After steering the canoe over to a small landing near the rock, the three of them hopped out. Antonio went about securing the boat while Gilbert set up camp and Francis unloaded the canoe. They hadn't brought any tents, opting to sleep under the stars instead. A few sleeping bags and a fire was all they needed.

The sun set, and the trio was all ready.

The only thing missing was…

"You gonna get that thing lit anytime soon, Toni?"

Antonio was kneeling in front of a pile of wood, trying to use a rock and some grass to start a fire. He had a tongue sticking out of his mouth slightly as he knocked the two stones together, trying to get a spark. Francis sat next to him on a log they had dragged up, and Gilbert was standing over the brunette.

"I'm working on it," Antonio muttered, clinking rocks together once more.

"There're these nifty things called matches, mon ami," Francis told him, hold out a pack of the small fire starters, shaking them slightly.

Antonio took them and threw them over his shoulder. "No! I saw this on the Discovery Channel and I'm gonna do it!"

The blonde sighed and leaned back, watching his friend's futile attempt to start the fire.

"You do know that we can't eat 'till you get that started right?"

"Shut up, Gil."

Gilbert held his hands up in a surrendering gesture, a beer in one of them. "Just saying."

There was silence for a moment before Gilbert smirked, catching Francis' eye. He took a swig of beer, not swallowing, and leaned down. When Antonio got a small spark, Gilbert blew his mouthful of alcohol out. There was a small eruption of flame and Antonio scrambled back, falling and rolling back and forth on the ground.

"Ahh!" he screamed, hands held up to his eyes. "Stop, drop, and roll! Stop, drop, and roll!"

Gilbert and Francis laughed as the smaller man realized that he wasn't on fire. He sat up, glaring at the albino.

"That's not cool, amigo!"

"It was hilarious!"

"You could have injured me!"

"Nice fire, Antonio."

The brunette blinked, looking at the perfect fire he had managed to make… with a bit of help from Gilbert of course. He smiled. "You're right," he said softly. "It is, isn't it?"

Gilbert sat down on the ground on a sleeping bag, reaching next to him into a case of beer. He threw one to each of his friends and they all popped them open, taking a drink. They sat in silence for a moment before Gilbert sighed, tipping his head back.

"Ah, this is nice," he said, watching the small particles of flaming wood drift into the air. "Don't get to do this at home."

"What, sit around an drink beer? From what I heard, that's all you do at home," Francis snickered. Gilbert glared at him.

"I go to work!" he exclaimed. "West has me working at his firm!"

"Doing what?" Antonio asked, cocking his head to the side.

His mouth clamping shut for a moment, Gilbert seemed to wrestle with himself. He snorted through his nose before his jaw unlocked. He mumbled something.

"What was that, mon ami?"

"I said that I'm his secretary."

Silence prevailed for a few shocked seconds before Francis and Antonio burst out into loud laughter. Gilbert's eyes narrowed, a slight blush creeping up the back of his neck and reaching to the tips of his ears.

"What?" he asked. "A guy can be a secretary! It's not just for women, you know!"

"It's not that, mon ami," Francis gasped, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Si," Antonio agreed. "It's the idea of _you_ of all people being a secretary, especially at _Ludwig's_ law firm of all places."

Frowning, Gilbert averted his eyes. "Well it's not like I can get a decent paying job anywhere else without a high school diploma…" he muttered.

Taking a few more seconds to get their laughter out of their systems, Francis and Antonio finally calmed down. Taking a sip of his beer, Francis said, "If you really wanted to, I'm sure you could find another job. You could even go back to school if you wanted to."

Gilbert snorted. "Yeah, right."

Knowing their friend well enough to take the hint that he didn't want to talk about it anymore, and that if they pushed it, then he would just get angry, Antonio changed the subject. "So, how 'bout you, Francis? We know all about your client's love lives; what about your own."

"I don't think that's proper conversation, Toni."

"Says the guy who made me sit in his gross backseat."

"I already told you, it's clean."

"So you're saying that your love life is nonexistent?"

"What gave you that idea?"

Gilbert shrugged, smirk on his face as he took a drink.

Sighing, Francis rolled his beer in his hand. "It seems that I have… entered a dry spell."

Sniggering, Gilbert lay down and turned over onto his back, putting his hands behind his head and staring up at the stars. "Sure, if that's what you want to call it."

"What happened?" Antonio asked, poking at the fire with a long stick.

Francis shrugged. "Dunno. I was dating this one woman for a while…"

"How long was 'a while'? Two weeks?"

The blonde was silent for a moment before he said quietly, "Two years…"

Gilbert shot up, and Antonio jerked his stick, causing some logs to fall over and make several sparks.

"You're shitting me."

Francis smiled sadly. "I'm afraid not."

The pale man gaped. "You. Francis Bonnefoy. You were steadily dating a chick for two years?"

"Dios mio," Antonio breathed, green eyes wide.

"Why is this so hard for you to believe?"

"Because you're the guy who dated the entire school in less than a year!"

"I was in high school. Relationships were hardly the most stable thing at that time."

"I don't know, mi amigo. Gil's got a point."

"She was a whore, right? You paid her? Please tell me you paid her…"

"Non. Her name was Jeanne. She was a veterinarian. We met at a restaurant and… and we just clicked. We even moved in together. She was beautiful; short blonde hair, gorgeous eyes. Her humor was just like mine, and her voice, oh her voice! It was akin to the most beautiful birdsong you had ever heard!"

"Gott…"

"What happened?" Antonio questioned, picking up his dropped stick and resuming his poking.

"She… she passed away," the Frenchman said quietly. "Had an inoperable brain tumor."

"So she was a pity case?" Gilbert asked, a bit of relief seeping into his voice.

"Hardly," Francis growled. He drained the rest of his beer and closed his eyes, tilting his head back. "I was going to ask her to marry me…"

"Okay, now I know you're joking."

"Is it so hard to picture me settling down with a woman?" Francis snapped, clearly irritated.

"You? Yes," Gilbert told him. "Francis, you sleep around more than anyone. Why would you just pick one? I remember you saying once that marriage was why your folks were never together."

"You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Gil? Considering your mom left when you-"

"Hey! She's got nothing to do with this!" Gilbert said angrily, eyes flashing.

"Okay, guys," Antonio interjected. "That's enough."

A glaring match ensued before Francis turned to the Spaniard. "What about you, mon ami? Any love interests?"

Antonio sighed. "No."

"Not even to get laid?"

"Not everything is about sex, Gilbert."

"Says the guy who lost his virginity at the age of twelve."

"Oh, shut _up_, Gilbert."

The younger man huffed, opening another beer and drinking half of it as Francis turned back to Antonio.

"So no special person?" he asked.

A small smile adorned Antonio's face. "Afraid not. I just haven't found the right person yet."

"Boy or girl?"

"Gilbert, will you _shut up_?"

"But I'm hungry!" Gilbert whined, flopping onto his back.

"Then get some dinner!"

"But I want fish…"

Francis facepalmed. "Gilbert, we're sitting next to a river… Just go get some fish!"

"Oh yeah!"

The albino jumped up, throwing his empty bottle on the ground and hurrying to the riverbank. Antonio and Francis exchanged a look and rolled their eyes, getting up to follow him. When they reached him, he was sitting on a rock, shoes and socks off, rolling up his pants.

"So how are you planning on catching fish without a fishing rod and bait?" Francis asked.

"Imma use my hands!" Gilbert exclaimed, grinning widely. He stood up and waded kneed deep into the river.

"Genius," the blonde muttered, rolling his eyes as Antonio quickly kicked his own shoes off and pulled his own pant legs up, running to join their friend. He sighed. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em…"

Thirty minutes later found the trio still walking around in the river and completely fishless.

"Gilbert, this was a stupid idea," Francis said, cursing as a fish escaped his grasp.

"Si, I think we should just eat the hot dogs…" Antonio agreed, sitting on the rock. He had nearly fallen in the river and called it quits afterwards.

Gilbert walked out of the river, standing next to the smaller man. "Aw, but I thought it would work…"

"Hey, I caught a fish!"

Francis jerked his hands up, a large fish wiggling in them. He wrestled with it momentarily before it slipped out and landed back in the water with a loud splash. Francis grinned at his two stunned friends. "I caught a fish with my hands!"

Gilbert howled in appreciation. "Go Franny!" he cheered.

Antonio stood up. "Try again!"

"If I catch it, I'm going to throw it at you. Make sure you get a hold of it!" Francis told them as he eagerly bent down and thrust his hands in the water once more. He cried out when he grabbed another one, throwing it at his two friends on the bank.

The fish hit them both square in the face and dropped back into the river.

"Oh, crap! My fish!"

Francis glared at his friends, who gazing at something with twin horrified expressions.

"Guys, what the fuck?" Francis yelled, glaring at them. "Now I gotta catch another one."

Neither one said anything, staring with wide eyes above his head. "Guys?" Gilbert raised a trembling hand and pointed behind the Frenchman, who furrowed his brow. He turned around and came face to face with a huge grizzly bear. He whipped back around, laughing as he pointed.

"It's a bear," he chuckled. He looked back at the beast before smiling at his friends. Then his face morphed into a terrified one. "IT'S A BEAR!"

The three friends took off, running back towards camp. Behind them, the bear roared and they could hear it chasing after them. The grass was wet, making it slippery. When Francis turned to look behind him, the bear was quickly closing in.

And that's when Antonio tripped.

The brunette was clumsy on a good day, but now was just not the time to be a klutz. He fell flat on his face, tripping over his own two feet on the wet grass. He hit the ground with a yelp, causing his friends to skid to a stop, turning around.

"Antonio!" Gilbert cried, hurrying towards his friend. He turned on his heel when the bear came barreling towards them and ran back to Francis, who was standing a few yards away.

The Spaniard attempted to crawl forward, freezing when he heard the beast directly behind him.

"Guys! Help!" he yelled, reaching an arm forward.

"Get in the fetal position!" Francis told him.

"Why the fetal position?" Gilbert asked, eyes narrowed.

"Nothing wants to attack something if it's in the fetal position."

"Okay…"

Meanwhile, Antonio was curling into said fetal position, clutching his hair in his hands. The bear sauntered up to him, sniffing at him harmlessly. She suddenly stuck a paw out and rolled him over, sniffing at his butt.

"She thinks Antonio's her cub…" Gilbert breathed.

"Abort the fetal position!" Francis yelled. "It's not working! Abort! Abort!"

Antonio was looking at them helpless with wide, scared green eyes. Whimpers left his mouth and he was murmuring a prayer under his breath. The bear, done checking him out, grabbed a mouthful of his shirt and picked him up off the ground. She turned around and trotted into the woods.

"Help me!" Antonio cried, tears streaming down his face in terror before he disappeared into the trees.

Gilbert and Francis looked at one another before taking off after their bear-napped friend. They crashed through the woods and hid behind a huge boulder, which overlooked a small clearing. In the middle was Antonio, alone, and still in the fetal position.

"Antonio!" Francis whispered. "Toni, where's the bear?"

Antonio turned his head to look at his friends, putting a finger up to his lips in a gesture to quiet them. He then used the same finger to point at a trail leading away from the clearing. Francis and Gilbert ducked as the bear came walking back towards them, a dead rabbit in its jaws. She dropped the poor animal at Antonio's side.

"She's trying to fatten Antonio up so they can hibernate together," Gilbert gasped.

"Antonio, you have to eat it!" Francis told his frightened friend.

The brunette shakily took the animal, holding it up to his mouth a few inches away. "Mmm," he said aloud. "Mmm, that's good."

The bear was having none of it and pawed angrily at the ground, claws narrowly missing Antonio's head.

"She's not buying it, Toni," Gilbert said.

"Toni, you have to actually eat it," Francis told him.

"Okay…" Antonio whimpered. He slowly opened his mouth and took a tiny chunk of raw meat off. It was tough and still warm, and he almost gagged as he tore it off, chewing it slowly. "Mmm, delicious," he mumbled, attempting to swallow, almost vomiting right then and there. In the bushes, Francis nearly did as well, while Gilbert gagged. The poor man did manage to swallow the small piece eventually. "Delicious," he repeated.

The bear turned around for a moment, and Antonio quickly threw the rest of the dead animal into the woods. When the bear looked back, it was gone.

"Mmm, is there more?" Antonio asked, voice trembling slightly. "It was so good…"

The bear grunted and turned around, heading back down the trail. Antonio waited until she was out of sight before scrambling to his feet and running to his friends. The three ran back to their camp, the sounds of an angry bear following them. They quickly climbed a huge tree that overlooked their camp, hugging the branches for dear life as the bear below them destroyed their camp.

She tore up their sleeping bags and clawed at their bags.

"Your mom misses you," Gilbert said, on the highest branch and red eyes wide.

"She's not my mom!" Antonio snapped, wiping the tears from his eyes. "That was the scariest thing that's ever happened in my life!"

"How long do you think she'll keep looking for you?" Francis asked, watching the bear rip his favorite pair of jeans. He winced.

"An hour… maybe three tops…" Gilbert guessed.

"Hey, that's my phone!" Antonio cried as the bear swallowed his phone, which was ringing loudly, in one gulp.

"NOT THE BEER!" Gilbert yelled. Below them, the bear tipped over the beer, making the bottles break and the alcohol leak into the ground.

They spent the rest of the night in the tree.

* * *

><p>So many quotes are taken from the movie in this chapter... as well as many scenes. I don't own any of those. If you want to know which ones they are, go ahead and watch the movie for yourselves, lol.<p>

ANYWAYS. I put some more Hetalia references in there. Jeanne is Joan of Arc, obviously. The bear scene was uber fun to write, but like I said, I feel like it goes really fast. But that's what happened in the movie, so...

REVIEW! PLEASE! D:


	4. Chapter 4

I've been working on this chapter non-stop for the past two days, lol.

I originally started it a few days after the last chapter, but, like I said, school and life is pretty hectic, and I didn't finish it 'till just now.

That being said, I had WAY too much fun writing this, lol. You'll see why when you read it.

**Disclaimer: "Hetalia" isn't mine... even if I already ordered the movie... "Without a Paddle" movie isn't mine either, and neither are any lines taken directly from it. I don't own "Harry Potter."**

**Warning: There is talk of porn in this chapter, as well the use of drugs. I do not encourage any drug use, and only wrote for the entertainment of others.**

* * *

><p>The next morning found the three friends still high above the ground in a tree. Below them, the bear was rolling around on what used to be their campground. Their sleeping bags were ruined, and their food was either scattered around the ground, completely inedible, or in the bear's stomach. The cooler was leaking beer into the grass, and Gilbert was staring despairingly at it.<p>

"What time is it?" Antonio's muffled voice asked. He was lying on the lower branch, head cradled in his arms.

Francis looked at his watch. "About seven," he yawned.

A sudden explosion sounded through the forest, startling the trio. Gilbert nearly fell off his branch, managing to hold on before tumbling to the ground.

"What was that?" he cried, looking in the direction the sound had come from.

"I don't know, but it scared Antonio's friend away," Francis said, pointing to the quickly retreating beast.

Exchanging slightly worried expressions, they hopped down from the tree. Gilbert landed gracefully, while Francis slipped and ended up in a puddle of spilt beer. Antonio simply face planted into the grass as another explosion reached their ears.

Francis helped the smaller man up and they followed Gilbert through the brush. They came to another part of the river and peeked around a large boulder that was sitting conveniently at the edge.

In the middle of the river was a small boat, two men standing up in it. One was tall, sandy blonde hair poking out under a red baseball cap. He was holding a large stick of dynamite in his hand while the other one, a smaller blonde with a leather jacket, smirked.

"What do you think would happen if I dropped this stick of dynamite in the boat?" the taller one asked.

"I think you should throw it…" the other one said, his voice holding the distinct accent of one who was British.

"But what do you think would happen?"

"Alfred, just through the damn stick."

The taller one, who's name was apparently Alfred, pouted slightly. "I just wanna know what would happen if I left it going here in the boat…"

"Throw it in the water!"

"Jeez, relax, Artie."

"Don't call me Artie!"

Alfred threw the stick of dynamite into the river, which exploded almost on contact. The two men cheered, Alfred pumping his fists in the air for added effect.

"What the fuck are they doing?" Gilbert whispered, eyes narrowed as the smaller, British man threw another stick into the river and a huge wall of water exploded when it went off.

"I… I think they're fishing…" Francis replied, a churning feeling in his stomach.

"How come they're not using their hands, amigo?" Antonio asked, eyes wide as another explosion erupted.

The response he got was in the form of a middle finger.

Watching for a few more minutes, Gilbert ducked down to speak to his friends. "We should get going," he told them. He jabbed a thumb in the direction of the two blondes. "I think they've got a few screws loose, if you know what I mean…"

"Si," Antonio was quick to agree. "They give me the creeps."

Francis nodded. "Same here." He shivered.

"Let's launch into the other side of the river," the taller man suggested, wincing as another loud "BOOM!" echoed through the forest. "I don't wanna get anywhere near these idiots."

When the other two nodded in agreement, Gilbert led the way back to their camp. Stumbling through the brush, he sighed as they came up to stand beside him, surveying the damage from the bear.

"Well," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "I guess we'd better see what survived the carnage."

"I hardly think that 'carnage' is the correct word," Antonio said, walking forward before kneeling down before what was once his backpack. "I think 'massacre' would be more appropriate." He lifted the remains slowly, frowning when the bottom half simply fell off.

As Antonio and Gilbert rummaged through the campsite, trying salvage anything that was still in decent condition, Francis cleaned up the mess, piling it besides the tree they had spent the night in. It didn't take too long, and they were soon loading up the canoe with whatever was left.

A small sigh made the Frenchman look up from where he was securing the packs to the bottom of the boat, only to see Gilbert gazing longingly at the remainder of their beer; a pathetic five bottles. He smiled in sympathy and patted his friend's shoulder comfortingly.

"It's okay, mon ami," he said. "You'll survive."

The younger man pouted before lovingly packing the bottles up and setting them in the canoe. He stood up and looked to his friends.

"Alright, let's go," he said. He pointed in the direction opposite of the explosions that were still going on. "We'll launch over there, where the trees thin out." He bent down to pick up the back end of the boat, while Francis and Antonio hefted the front.

Carrying it to the edge of the water, Antonio and Francis clambered in as Gilbert shoved off, hopping in at the last second, splashing Francis unintentionally. As Francis glared, Antonio spoke up.

"Hey, isn't the river supposed to fork up ahead?"

Exchanging a glance with the blonde, the albino reached down to pick up the folded map at his feet. When he opened it up, he grimaced. There were several claw marks going through it, making it nearly unreadable. Half of the corner was missing, and Gilbert was willing to bet that it was currently sitting next to Antonio's phone, nestled comfortably in a certain bear's stomach.

"What's it say, Gil?" Francis asked, turning around to look at his friend.

Quickly, the taller man crushed the map and dropped it on the floor of the canoe, shoving it under his seat with his feet.

"It say's…. we're doing awesomely," he grinned, hoping that the blonde didn't notice the strain behind it.

Luck was on his side as Francis nodded and turned back around, dipping his paddle in the water. Gilbert let out a relieve breath, gently steering the canoe around a patch of rocks.

The trio was silent for a long while, at least until the sounds of the two crazy blondes behind them disappeared. Francis and Antonio had begun to chat, and Gilbert, for once, was the silent one. He maneuvered the boat away from rocks and trees, noticing that the farther they traveled, the rougher the water became. There were more rocks, and trees hung dangerously low, water crashing over everything in its path.

Noticing a tree hanging over the river, its branches almost like a row of beads, Gilbert gently steered the canoe to the right, trying to avoid it. However, at the last minute, he noticed how the waves split, and the dark shape of a huge rock lurking just under the surface. Biting his lip, he ran his red eyes over the space between the two obstacles. There was no way that they were going to fit the canoe in between them, and so he did what he thought was the lesser of the two evils by steering the boat directly into the path of the hanging braches.

As soon as they hit, Antonio and Francis sputtered, ducking to try and get out of the way of the offending objects. Gilbert, the tallest of the three of them, was nearly touching the bottom of the boat, trying to get low enough to not get swatted by the tree, but still trying to keep his upper body up enough to be able to steer the canoe. When they cleared the branches, Antonio and Francis turned around to glare at their friend, faces red.

"What the fuck, Gilbert?" Francis cried, rubbing his face from where several branches scratched him.

"Not cool, amigo!" Antonio sputtered, shaking his head to dislodge the leaves that had become stuck in his hair.

"Hey, it was either practically get raped by the tree, or carve a huge hole in the bottom of the canoe!" Gilbert defended himself.

"Raped by a tree…?" Antonio asked hesitantly, face morphed into one of confusion as his hand dropped from his hair.

"I've seen enough hentai to know where you were headed with that one, Gil…" the Frenchman supplied.

The younger man smirked. "I'm glad you got that reference, Franny," he said, turning the boat so that it avoided yet another pile of rocks.

"Hentai…?" Antonio questioned from the front of the canoe.

"Japanese porn?" Francis suggested, pushing off from a stationary log in the river. "You know, the ones with the tentacles?"

When the brunette shot them a confused glance, Gilbert tried to expand on the explanation.

"Where there's an octopus or a tree or something with long tentacles or something that grabs unsuspecting women and basically rapes them…?" he offered. "How have you never watched any of this?"

"My porn is generally of the _normal_ type…"

"Wait, so you're saying that you have _never_ watched hentai?"

"Can't say that I have, no."

"Even Francis has watched them!"

"Are you implying that there is something wrong with me watching hentai, Gilbert?"

"No, I'm just saying that if you watch it, then it can't be too terrible…"

"Gil, it's an octopus raping women! How is that not terrible?"

"Men, too, in some of the stuff I've seen…"

"Wait, what the hell have you been watching, mon ami?"

"Why, want me to hook you up with some? I know this great one where-"

"Both of you stop! This is gross! Why would you watch that?"

Gilbert and Francis glanced at each other before shrugging.

"Different cultural experience?" the younger of the two replied with a shrug.

"I wonder if Kiku has any…" Francis thought aloud.

"The two of you need to get lives…" Antonio told them, turning back to face the front of the canoe. He looked at the increasingly swiftness of the rapids. "Guys, it's getting kinda rough up ahead…"

The other two paused in their conversation about porn, for which the Spaniard was grateful, and looked at the river. Their little canoe was getting tossed around, and nothing that the three of them did seemed to be slowing it down. Pretty soon, they were going to lose control of the thing.

"Alright, time to get serious," Gilbert said, trying to avoid getting bounced around as much as possible.

"Is that possible for you to do?" Francis smirked, dipping his paddle in the water.

Gilbert flicked him off.

The three were quiet for a short while, trying to safely get around the obstacles in the water. However, it soon proved to be useless as Antonio cried out.

"Hang on!" he called, clenching his eyes shut. "There's a huge rock up ahead, and there's no way we can avoid it!"

"This is gonna hurt…" Francis muttered, bracing himself. Behind him, he felt Gilbert doing the same.

Their efforts were in vain as the canoe met the rock. The force of the water pushing against the boat and the rock pushing back was enough for the canoe to completely capsize over the rock, flipping its occupants into the river with surprised screams. The canoe, no longer having to deal with the access weight, tumbled over the rock and landed upside down on the other side, continuing down the river.

Gilbert surfaced not too far away from the floating boat, gasping for air as he flicked his silver hair out of his eyes. He swam desperately towards the canoe, grabbing on to keep himself above water as he rapidly traveled with the crazy current. With a grunt, he hoisted himself up onto the upside down canoe, wrapping his long legs around the width of it. His eyes scanned the raging water for any sign of his friends.

"Antonio!" he called, hands cupping his mouth. "Francis!" He slipped slightly as the canoe bounced a little. "Shit…" he muttered. He called out again. "Toni! Franny!"

"Gil!"

The albino whipped his head towards the weak cry, spotting a mop of blonde hair swirling in the water. "Francis!" he yelled, then swore as he slipped again. He cursed, trying to paddle fruitlessly towards his friend. He nearly cried in relief when he saw some rope from their packs drifting in the water beside him. Quickly snatching it up, Gilbert hurriedly wound up the rope before grabbing one end and throwing the other to the Frenchman.

Francis caught it on the first try, and Gilbert thanked whatever deity was watching them silently. The tall man rushed to pull his friend towards him. When Francis finally made it to the canoe, Gilbert reached down and helped him up to sit in front of him. Gilbert wrapped his arms around the blonde's chest, holding him tightly against him.

"Where's Antonio?" Gilbert yelled, trying to be heard above the rapids.

"I don't know!" Francis replied back, shivering slightly from the coldness of the water. The two held on for dear life as the canoe rode through the rest of the rapids before hitting calm waters. There was silence between the two of them for a few minutes before Francis spoke up.

"Uh… Gilbert?" he said, grinning softly.

There was a mumble in his back, and pale arms clutched him closer.

"You can let go of me now…"

"… Right…"

Gilbert's arms slowly loosened their hold around the elder male, Francis chuckling softly as he did so. The albino sat up, digging his head out of Francis' back.

"Yeah… right… okay…" Gilbert said, back completely straight. "Right!" he repeated, as if he was trying to reaffirm himself. "Where's Antonio?"

"Antonio!" Francis called.

"Toni!"

"In here!"

The two hipped their heads down.

"Toni?" Gilbert asked, right before he and Francis tipped over into the river as Antonio pushed up the canoe from underneath them. Sputtering as they came up for breath, the trio clambered into the canoe, sprawling out to catch their breath.

After a pause, Antonio broke the silence.

"I about shit…" he said. "Did you about shit?"

"I about shit," Francis agreed.

"I did shit…" Gilbert added, leaning his head back to rest against the edge of the canoe.

"Oh, shit…" Francis said.

Gilbert sat up. "What 'oh, shit'?"

Antonio suddenly scrambled backwards, nearly running into the taller man. "Oh, shit!" he cried.

The trio's combined yell of "OH SHIIIITTTT!" followed them all the way down the huge waterfall that had seemed to appear out of nowhere, their canoe following them and breaking into small pieces as it hit the water.

The three friends quickly surfaced and swam towards the small shore that sat a few yards away. As they all crawled ashore, Francis got on his hands and knees, gently kissing the ground before flopping onto his back, arms spread eagle. Antonio lay on his side, and Gilbert had enough strength to pull himself into a sitting position.

"Well…" Gilbert gasped. "That was fun…"

"I don't think that's right word to describe what just happened…" Antonio told him, rolling up so that he was sitting cross-legged on the wet grass.

"It's called sarcasm, dumbass."

"Don't get pissy at Toni," Francis snapped, also sitting up.

"Si!" the small brunette defended. "It's not my fault we had to go through the rapids!"

"Well, it's not mine!" Gilbert huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Actually, it is!" Francis argued, pulling himself up and walking over to the taller man. "_You're_ the one who wanted to launch the boat in the other side of the river!"

Never one to back down from a challenge, Gilbert rose to his full height. "Well, excuse me for trying to avoid getting man-raped by the two hillbillies fishing with _dynamite_!"

"You're the one who watches men getting raped by octopus tentacles!" Antonio also rose to his feet.

"It's different in real life! You can say no in real life!"

"Look!" Francis yelled, stepping between his two friends, sensing a fight brewing on the near horizon. "Let's just… let's just go home," he sighed.

"Oh, yeah, 'cause that's real possible…" the albino snorted, taking a step back.

"We can just follow the river back upstream," Francis snapped.

"Okay!" Gilbert's tone was filled with sarcasm. He grabbed the blonde's shoulders and steered him to the edge of the bank. He pointed up at the waterfall, water rushing down from the cliff. "We'll just climb up seven stories of solid rock, hike past the two crazy psychos, get raped, continue on our way, and-" he stopped mid-rant, bending down to snatch something out of the river. "There's a beer in the river!" he cried happily, picking up the bottle of beer that must have surfaced from their poor, destroyed canoe.

Rolling his eyes, Francis turned to the third member of their party as Gilbert happy opened the bottle and chugged it down. Antonio was sitting on a nearby rock, their rusty metal lunchbox held in his hands, the lid open. The Spaniard was rummaging through it.

"This trip was stupid," Francis sighed.

"So's your face."

"Mon Dieu," Francis groaned. "Could you be more of a child?"

"Is that a challenge?" Gilbert asked, smirking.

"Hell no!"

"I think it is…"

"Gilbert, don't even think about it!"

Gilbert crossed his arms over his chest after throwing his empty beer on the ground and lifted his head slightly. "Challenge accepted!"

"Dammit!"

"Guys!" Antonio suddenly jumped up, the lunch box dropping to his feet as he ran up excitingly to his friends. "The compass!" he cried. "We've still got the compass!"

The other two grinned. "Yes!" Gilbert cheered. "We can get out of here!"

"Good job, Toni!" Francis praised, hugging the smaller man tighter.

Their victory, however, was short lived when Gilbert said, "Wait… doesn't it only work with a map?"

The other two smiles quickly fell into frowns.

"Wait, so you don't have the map?" Antonio asked, disappointment in his voice.

"No, I'm saying that I forgot to hold onto it as I was free-falling down a fucking waterfall!" Gilbert snapped. "Besides, it's not like I could read any of it anyways after your friend the bear basically ripped it to shreds!"

Silence followed his outburst. They realized in that moment that blaming each other for their misfortune wouldn't help them get out of this mess any faster.

Antonio pocketed the compass sadly, bending to pick up the lunchbox from the ground. He closed it, snapping it shut, before turning to his friends. "We might as well just go forward," he said. "There's got to be a ranger station somewhere, and we can radio for help from there."

"Yeah," Francis agreed. "There's no use in standing around here."

The only response that they got from Gilbert was a snort. Antonio frowned, turning to lead them into the woods. Francis followed closely, and Gilbert, unnaturally silent, brought up the rear as leaves crunched under their feet in the darkening forest.

000000000000000

Hours later, right as the last rays of light dipped over the horizon, the trio was still walking aimlessly though the forest. Not much had been said, even from Gilbert, and they were starting to get tired, not to mention hungry.

Francis groaned. "My feet are killing me." He stepped over a tree's root that was sticking up above the ground.

"Mine too," Antonio agreed, squatting down on the balls of his feet. He looked up as Gilbert slowly padded up to them. 'What about you, amigo?"

"Ja," the younger man grunted. " 'M more hungry, though…"

"I don't think I've ever hurt this much in my life," Francis said, taking a seat on a nearby stump. "Not even gym class senior year was this bad."

Gilbert snickered.

"Oh, shut up," Francis scolded, only halfheartedly.

Antonio smiled weakly, slowly falling so that his butt met the cold ground. Gilbert leaned against a tree, head tilted back, closing his eyes.

The three friends shared a moment of companionable silence before Gilbert suddenly stood up straight, eyed narrowed.

"Gil?" Antonio asked. "You okay, amigo?"

"Shush!" Gilbert hissed, red eyes darting from side to side. Francis and Antonio exchanged a worried glance before watching their friend worriedly.

"Do you hear that?" Gilbert finally asked in a hushed voice.

The other two strained their ears, trying to pick up what the albino's sensitive hearing had discovered. After a minute or so, Francis blinked.

"Is that… 'Harry Potter' music?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

"I'd never thought that I'd be so happy to hear that crappy shit," Gilbert grumbled. He immediately headed off in the direction of the music, his two friends trailing closely behind.

They quickly came to the top of a hill, and below them sat a small campground. Two trailers, a barn, and some four wheelers sat around, the glow of lamps and electric lighting giving off a warm feeling. The classical music was heard from the compound.

"We're saved!" Antonio cried, smiling.

"Come on!" Gilbert grinned, and led the way down the slope.

It didn't take them long to reach the outskirts of the camp, and they slowly and cautiously neared the sound of humming from the middle of the area. Using the side of the barn for cover, they peered around the corner.

Imagine their surprise when they saw the two hillbillies from earlier standing there. The taller one, Alfred, was at a small table, cutting the heads off of the fish that they must have caught. The smaller of the two was in the corner, tuning the boom box that sat on a log stump.

"Hey, Artie!" Alfred called, looking over his shoulder at the Briton. "Turn on something other than this crappy music!"

"Don't call me 'Artie'!" came the reply, and Arthur turned on his heel to glare at the younger of the two. "And this isn't 'crappy music'! It's from 'Harry Potter,' something that your underdeveloped brain can't seem to comprehend as a masterpiece!"

"Yeah, whatever," the sandy-blonde happily went back to chopping the heads off of dead, innocent fish.

"Great idea, Gil," Francis hissed.

"Si, now we're gonna get raped for sure," Antonio agreed, watching with wide eyes as the meat cleaver chopped another head off.

"Hey, don't blame me!" Gilbert whispered. He ducked back behind the barn. "All we gotta do is-"

_CRASH!_

Gilbert winced, glaring at Antonio as he knocked a strategically placed metal bucket over. Francis slapped the brunette upside the head.

The music instantly snapped off.

"What was that?" came Arthur's voice.

The three friends panicked as they retreated into the shadows. The silhouettes of the two crazy men quickly approached, and Gilbert silently opened a small door about four feet off the ground into the barn. He beckoned the other two and quickly jumped inside. Francis followed quickly after, and Antonio made it at the last second, Gilbert closing the doors behind them just as the two blondes came around the corner.

They held their breath, crouching under the door silently.

"Nothin' there," Alfred's voice said, sounding almost disappointed.

"Must have been a bunny, or something."

Francis raised an eyebrow at Antonio, who shrugged.

The sound of two sets of footsteps slowly faded away, and Gilbert suddenly appeared beside Antonio.

"These guys are pot farmers," he whispered, jerking a thumb over his shoulder.

"Pot?" Antonio questioned, frowning.

"Ja," Gilbert affirmed, and turned around, pointing to the confines of the barn.

Sure enough, right before them was a huge stash of marijuana. Some was already packaged in twenty-pound boxes, and some were in smaller portions. A few hung from the roof, and several were sitting in small pots against one wall.

"Whoa…" Antonio said, eyes huge.

Gilbert grinned, getting up and striding over to one of the bigger bales. He ripped the tape off, grabbed a handful of the plant, and stuffed it up to his face, breathing in the scent.

"Ah," he practically orgasmed. "Soooo good…." His eyes nearly rolled to the back of his head.

"Gilbert, stop molesting the weed," Francis said, motioning the albino back over to their small crevice. "Let's just go!"

"Hang on, I want some to take with us!" Gilbert dropped his handful of the drug and wandered deeper into the barn, red eyes scanning for his perfect bundle. Antonio followed him mindlessly, and Francis face-palmed.

Meanwhile, outside the barn, Alfred whistled, a bucket of fish heads in his arms. Two dogs came running over. One was a Scottish Terrier, and the other was an American Bulldog. Alfred grinned and tossed two fish heads to the ground.

"Here ya' go, Tony," he cooed at the bulldog. "I saved the biggest and the bestest for you."

"Hey!" Arthur came striding over, hands on his hips. "Make sure that Tinkerbell gets some!"

"Who names a _boy_ Scottish Terrier _Tinkerbell_?"

"You're just jealous that he has more class in a single fingernail than you do in your entire body."

"That's not what you said last night," Alfred sang, waggling his eyebrows. Arthur flushed a deep red, sputtering.

"You wanker!"

Alfred chuckled, flinging another fish head on the ground. The two dogs immediately dove for it, fighting over the best part. Suddenly, Arthur grabbed his shoulder with one hand, the other pointing to the bottom of the double doors that led to the barn.

They could see shadows moving back and forth behind them, and Alfred frowned. The dogs seemed to either remain oblivious, or decided to ignore the intruders in favor of delicious edibles.

The tall blonde set the bucket o' fish heads down and picked up a rifle instead. Beside him, Arthur picked up an automatic gun, cocking it before striding over. Wasting no time, Alfred followed and promptly kicked the doors open. The Briton rolled his eyes.

However, their attention was quickly focused on the three men that were currently standing in the middle of their pot barn. One of them, a tall, pale man, had one of their bigger packages and was trying to unsuccessfully hide it behind his slender back. The other two, a blonde and a small brunette, grinned nervously at them.

"Hey, guys!" Antonio greeted, waving slightly. He and Francis had their arms in the air in a gesture of surrender.

Arthur and Alfred exchanged glances out of the corner of their eyes, guns pointing at the trio.

"Uh, we're currently lost in the woods," Francis jumped in, glaring at Gilbert as the man continued to try to hide the weed. "And, uh… we were wondering if we could use your phone…?"

"Oh, of course…" Alfred said, casting a knowing look at his partner.

The trio looked relieved. "Oh, thank you," Antonio breathed. He waved a hand to indicate the rest of the barn. "And this? I mean, who cares-"

Shots erupted as Alfred and Arthur unloaded their rounds at the friends.

Francis dove behind a pile of pot, Antonio and Gilbert falling on either side of him. They quickly made themselves as small as possible, arms covering their heads.

"Great!" Gilbert said. "This is exactly how I wanted to die!"

"Shut up!" Francis yelled back. "How are we supposed to get out this mess?"

"We'll have to use our heads!" Antonio supplied, grimacing as a bullet grazed above them.

Francis and Gilbert exchanged a look.

The next thing Antonio knew, he was being flung through the air at the wall. The old wood shattered under his contact, and made a hole for the three of them to escape. The small brunette landed with a painful thud, immediately curling in on himself.

"Let's go, Toni!"

Gilbert hefted the Spaniard up, and they followed Francis through a row of tall trees, the sound of Arthur and Alfred closing in on them coming from behind.

They nearly ran into Francis, who was standing, awestruck, at the sight before them.

"Holy shit…" Gilbert breathed.

Acres and acres of marijuana fields. Marijuana. Marijuana everywhere…

The sound of shots being fired behind them had the trio moving once more. Without a second thought, they dove into the rows of pot. Little did they know, that as soon as they crossed over the threshold, their actions set off a series of flares. The red lights shot up into the sky, illuminating the darkness, before falling slowly.

However, as the sparks fell, they caught on the plants, immediately igniting the leaves. Smoke slowly started to billow off as the friends ran through the rows of weed. Arthur and Alfred reached the edge of the field. They looked at one another before Alfred whistled. Tony and Tinkerbell can running up to their masters.

"Get them!" Arthur commanded, pointing at the retreating figures.

The two pooches silently consulted one another before agreeing that it might be kind of fun and took off in pursuit of their prey.

"Let's go," the small blonde told Alfred, cocking his gun once more.

Alfred grinned. "Right-o, Artie!" Arthur scowled, but before he could say anything, the tall American leaped into the field with a battle cry of "Leerrooyyy Jeennkkkiiinnnssss!"

With a shake of his head, Arthur followed the man.

Up ahead of them, Gilbert, Francis and Antonio were starting to feel funny. There was so much smoke, and it was getting slightly hard to breathe.

"We're gonna die!" Antonio was babbling, stumbling as he tried to keep up with his friends. "We're gonna get caught and raped by tentacles and _die_!"

Gilbert began laughing. Francis chuckled.

"I don't wanna die!" Antonio continued. "Of course, I don't wanna get raped by tentacles either… but I still don't wanna die!"

"We're not gonna get raped by tentacles," Gilbert said, trying to keep a straight face. "Well… we won't. Francis is iffy, though… he kinda looks like a girl."

Batting his eyelashes, Francis giggled, prancing along as their running slowed. "Oh, mon ami, how kind of you."

Antonio blinked owlishly. "Francis…" he said in awe. "You're a chica?"

Gilbert lost it. He doubled over in laughter, their retreat coming to a halt as tears sprang to his eyes. Antonio stared at him, before joining in the laughter, Francis already succumbing to the pot as he face-planted in the dirt.

Behind them, Arthur and Alfred were looking every direction for any sign of their dogs or their prey. They both had scarves over their mouths and noses to block out the drug.

"Alfred, you twat!" Arthur growled, grabbing a handful of the American's shirt and pulling him down so that they were nose to nose. "You set the flares too close together! Now the whole field is on fire!"

"Excuse me," Alfred drawled, rolling his eyes. "How was I supposed to know that a bunch of idiots were going to come and set 'em off?"

"Fuck you!"

"Where are the dogs?" Alfred questioned, batting his partner's hands away and standing up straight. "Tony! Here, boy!"

"Tink! Where are you?"

A small bark led them in the right direction, and they nearly tripped over two small forms on the ground. They blinked.

The two dogs were lying on their backs, staring up at the sky with amazed expressions.

"What're they lookin' at?" Alfred asked, gazing up to see what had captured the canines' attention.

"I… I think they're high…"

Brandishing his gun, Alfred glared. "Get up, you stoner dogs!"

But Tinkerbell and Tony ignore them, finding the flying mint bunnies and aliens and UFO's and unicorns much more interesting than anything their masters had to offer them.

A sudden sound brought their attention back to the situation at hand. Without another word, they hurried through the plants, heading towards the intruders. As they came around a corner, they saw their targets, all laughing like idiots.

"Here!" Arthur thrust his automatic gun at Alfred, who grabbed it, fumbling. Instead, the Briton produced a sniper rifle, its laser pointed straight at the back of the small one.

As he took aim, Gilbert noticed the red dot. Awed, he pushed Antonio out of the way.

"Hey!" he told his friends. "Guys, guys! Check this out!" He bent down so that the laser was aimed right in the middle of his forehead. "I'm one of those chicks from those Bollywood movies!" He began dancing as an Egyptian.

As he bent down farther, almost falling over from laughing so hard, a bullet flew right where his head had been seconds before. Francis pulled his arm, still giggling like a madman.

"We need to go, mon ami!" he laughed, tugging on the taller man. He pushed his two friends in front of him before he realized, too late, that a red dot was on his chest, right over his heart.

He heard the shot, and almost in slow motion, he bent over backwards as the bullet sailed slowly over him. He waved his arms out for balance.

"Guys!" he called to his companions, who turned to look at him. He grinned idiotically. "Matrix!"

Gilbert and Antonio's laughter began anew, and Francis' grin grew, righting himself as the sound of footsteps came towards them.

In a moment of clarity, he led his friends forward, away from certain death. As they ran, they had no idea that the field suddenly just ended, and all three of them fell into a river.

Surfacing, now completely sober, Gilbert flung his hair out of his eyes.

"We'll never outrun them!" he exclaimed. He looked to Francis. "What do we do?"

The blonde pointed to a few hollow reeds next to Antonio. "Those! We'll use those to breathe underwater!"

Splashing, Antonio quickly distributed the reeds to the other two. They each took a deep breath and sank under the water, just as the two blondes came crashing to the edge of the river.

"Where the fuck did they go?" Arthur wondered, glaring at the surround terrain. There was no way they could hide in the flat expanse, and the woods were still quite a ways away. If they were headed to the forest, they'd be seen.

"When I get those idiots," Alfred growled, "I'm going to kill them! K-I-L-L!" he spelled out. "They are so dead! D-E-D, dead!"

"You moron!" Arthur snapped, smacking the taller man. "Stop being an imbecile!"

"Imbecilen!"

Unbeknownst to the quarreling men, a large bug was slowly climbing one of the reeds that stuck out from the water. It nonchalantly entered the hollow tube, traveling down.

Antonio's eyes widened underwater as he felt the beetle crawl into his mouth, and he panicked. He began to thrash, Gilbert grabbing his arm to tell him to stop. The Spaniard choked, water rushing into his mouth as he took the tube away, trying to expel the bug.

Above water, Alfred trained his gun on the moving reed. He narrowed his eyes.

An air bubble popped up from the surface. Arthur grabbed Alfred's wrist, pulling the gun away. "Don't waste ammo," he snapped. "It's just a bullfrog."

"I hate bullfrogs…" Alfred pouted, looking put out.

"Come on. They probably headed down river. We'll cut 'em off on the other side."

The two blondes hurried down the edge of the river, disappearing into the dark.

As soon as they were gone, Antonio shot up, gasping and choking. A beetle flew out from his mouth, and he gagged. Gilbert and Francis stood, throwing their reeds into the water.

"That's disgusting!" he cried, stumbling. Francis caught him before he could face plant into the water.

"Let's get out of here!" Gilbert coughed.

"I think it laid eggs in my stomach!"

Trudging out of the river, the trio hurried in the opposite direction the two blondes had gone.

It didn't look like they were going to get any sleep tonight, either…

* * *

><p>Whoo! Alfred and Arthur debut! :D I was so excited to write them, and had a lot of fun with them. Big plans await...<p>

A few notes: I actually love "Harry Potter" music. I just needed some epic music that I knew that Gil wouldn't like. It was the first thing that popped into my head.

Also, "orgasmed" isn't officially a word. I don't care. For the sake of this story, it is now.

"Imbecilen" is from Brian Regan's "Stupid in School," which is hilarious. I highly recommend listening to it.

ALL THE MEMES! There are several meme's mentioned in here. If you can find them all, I'll give you a cookie...

Let's see... *Consults notebook* One chapter, mentions of HP, funny writings, and memes... your total comes to one review. Please click the button below.


	5. Chapter 5

Phew! This chapter... Ugh, I hate this chapter, lol.

But that's besides the point. This chapter will probably be the last one for a while. I have a week of class, where it's gonna be horrible, and then a week of finals before winter break. At which point, I have stupid jury duty, and then I'll be working the rest of the time. Le sigh.

Some things will have to be explained in the chapter, but I'll work that in at the end.

Not much else to say...

**Diclaimer: "Hetalia" isn't mine... Still...**

* * *

><p>"Where the fuck could they have gone?" Arthur growled, throwing his handgun into the pile of wood that sat next to their trailers. He and Alfred had spent all night looking for the three men, and still had nothing to show for it besides dark circles under their eyes and growling bellies.<p>

Alfred followed him as he made his way to the first row pot plants. The taller man reached up and gently caressed the leaves on one of them.

"It's not all burnt," he breathed a sigh of relief. "I think we're gonna be okay. We just gotta call-"

With one swift movement, Arthur swept away the plant, pointing to the rest of field. Alfred's sentence trailer off as he took in the sight of their work.

The entire field, save for the first two rows, was completely burnt. The only thing standing was the skeleton of the plants, the rest an ashen mess, painting the ground a dull grey color.

"Shit…" the American muttered, stepping into the debris. Arthur smacked the back of his head.

"You see what your incompetence cost us?" he snarled. "What the fuck do you suppose we do now?"

The cogs in Alfred's brain churned for a few seconds. Patience thinning, Arthur smacked him again.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do," he snapped. Alfred winced, his cheek turning red from his partner's strike as he rubbed it tenderly. "We're going to hunt down those wankers, catch them, and skin their sorry arses before feeding them to bears!"

"How we gonna do that when we don't even know where they went?" Alfred asked. "I mean, we searched all downstream last night, and they were no where to be found…"

"Think about it, genius. If they weren't downstream, and they weren't across the woods, that means that they had to have gone the other way."

"Right…" Alfred didn't appreciate the Briton's level of sarcasm and silently followed him back to the camp.

"Tie up the dogs and get ready," Arthur told him, stooping down to pick up the gun he had previously discarded. The blonde immediately set up on getting his own small arsenal together as the other one tied ropes to their dogs' collars, attaching the other end to a tree near their camp.

Alfred quietly got together his own weapons, sneaking a glance at Arthur every few seconds. The other man was clearly pissed at the fact that they had lost their weed, which was completely understandable. That, and the fact that he seemed to be bringing along every single one of their more deadly guns made Alfred pity the three men if… and when… they caught them.

"Wait, what's with the grenades?" he asked when Arthur strapped on a belt that had several grenades attached to it.

"Always be prepared," came the response. He slung an automatic gun over his shoulder and tucked a knife into the inside of his boot. "You ready?"

Flipping on his red cap, Alfred nodded. He tugged on the laces on his own boots before standing up and grinning.

"Let's go hunting!" he cheered.

The grin that Arthur gave him frightened him slightly, not that he would ever admit it.

"Let's…"

The two each hopped on a four-wheeler and set off up river.

It was several hours later that they found their first evidence that the three men had been through the area. Arthur stopped his vehicle, pointing to the ground, where three sets of tracks were clear. He turned around to tell his partner, only to have his green eyes widen in surprise as the American promptly ran into him.

"What the fuck, Alfred?" he screeched, glaring.

"Sorry…" Alfred apologized. He hadn't been paying much attention to the man in front of him, trying to pick some sign of their prey and didn't notice that he had stopped until it was too late.

Still glaring, Arthur cut the power on his four-wheeler and swung a leg over to get off it. He kneeled in the dirt as Alfred hopped off his own and joined him. The taller man ran a hand over the footprints.

"It's weird…" he whispered. "Almost creepy…" He shivered.

"What is?"

"Footprints with no people in 'em…" Alfred breathed. "It's like it's them… but it's not them… You know what I mean?"

Rolling his eyes at the stupidity of the other man, Arthur nodded. "Sure," he drawled. "Whatever you say, Alfred. Where do you think they're headed?"

Looking up at his surroundings, Alfred pointed through the trees. "Probably towards the Gateway to Hell," he said. He stood straight, Arthur doing the same.

"If we hurry, we could probably get to them before evening sets in," Arthur told him, mounting his four-wheeler and kicking the engine back on. Alfred did the same, and together, they took off, trying to follow the path of the tracks.

000000000000000

Meanwhile, several miles ahead of the two blondes and slightly north of their position, Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert were slowing down in their escape.

"Do you think they're still following us?" Antonio asked, gasping for breath as they climbed over a huge rock.

"I don't know…" Gilbert huffed, not looking back. "I'm not sure I really want to stop to find out…"

"I haven't heard anything for a few hours," Francis said. As he climbed over the rock, he simply fell forward on his hands and knees, trying to catch his breath.

"Fine. You can get man-raped," Antonio supplied. "I'd rather not, thank you very much."

"No, thank you!" Francis said, but didn't move.

"Look…" Gilbert finally halted in his tracks and turned wearily back around. "We're gonna be fine. Nothing's-"

"No!" Francis interrupted, sitting up. "No, Gilbert. We're not going to be okay."

"Si, amigo," Antonio said. "We could really die out here… alone…"

"I can't believe I listened to you two," Francis snapped as Gilbert looked on with an unreadable expression.

"Hey, it was Gil's idea!"

"So this entire thing is my fault now?"

In an attempt to mimic the taller man, Francis adopted a terrible German accent. "Let's go on a treasure hunt!" he cried. "Let's go find Firecrotch's treasure! We'll get a canoe-"

"That was Toni's idea!"

"I'll get some rope!" Francis continued, ignoring the interruption. "It'll be awesome! We'll find the treasure and I won't have to deal with my brother and mooch off of him and be a burden!"

Gilbert glared.

"Low blow, amigo," Antonio muttered, glancing between the two friends.

"So what do want me to do?" Gilbert growled. "I may mooch, but at least I'm not a pansy!"

"I have a steady job and I'm not in trouble of getting pushed out on the streets because I never finished school!"

"What was that?" the albino hissed, eyes narrowed.

"No wonder Ludwig is so fed up with you…"

Francis had just enough time to duck as a pale fist came swinging at his head. He stepped back, nearly falling off the side of the rock as Gilbert came at him again.

Luckily, Antonio was quick and pushed the taller man out of the way while at the same time, grabbing Francis' arm to steady him.

"Whoa, okay," he said, green eyes angry. "That's enough! Both of you!"

"And you!" Francis cried, pointing a finger at the brunette. "You just went along with him," he pointed at a seething Gilbert, "because you can't think for yourself! That's why you're single! Because you just go along with everything so that they'll be happy!"

"Is that a problem?" the Spaniard asked, glaring.

"Make a decision for yourself, once in a while!"

"At least I'm not constantly worrying over my appearance and what others will think of me!" Antonio snapped. This time it was him that took on a bad French accent. "Oh, this mud is ruining my perfect clothes! This wood is too rough on my delicate skin! This bullet wound will forever mar my perfection!"

Gilbert's head snapped up. "Bullet wound?" he questioned.

Antonio's eyes widened, and Francis' head looked at his upper arm.

"Whoa," he said, pulling his shirt away to look at the bleeding wound.

"He got shot?" Gilbert asked, coming over to inspect his friend's arm.

"Yeah," Antonio confirmed, looking closely at the wound. He helped Francis sit down. "Come here…"

"Wow," Gilbert said, he and Francis looking at it in awe. Antonio rummaged in the lunch box for something.

"Here!" he said, producing a small needle and some thread. "I can stitch it up."

Francis eyed the needle warily. "Are you qualified for that?"

Nodding, the brunette threaded the needle in one go. "I took a first aid class a few months ago," he explained. "I packed some stuff before we left, just in case. It's already sterile and everything."

"It's so deep, you could roll a thing of pennies in that," Gilbert commented.

"Thank you for that visual, mon ami…"

"No problem."

"Gil, back up. You're in my light. Francis, this is gonna hurt a little, but just bare with me…"

"Go for it, Toni. I'll be good."

As soon as the needle pierced skin, Gilbert gagged. "I'm… gonna wait over here…" he said, and retreated to the edge of the rock ledge, grabbing a stick to entertain himself as his friend silently patched up the other one.

When Antonio as almost finished, Gilbert spoke up from his sulking.

"I could use a beer right now…"

"When we get out of here, I'll buy you the biggest stash of beer known to man," Francis joke, wincing as Antonio pulled at the thread. The brunette was nearly cross-eyed as he tried to concentrate, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth.

Gilbert chuckled.

"You'd better, what with all that therapy crap you pulled on me earlier."

Biting his lip, Francis glanced at his friend. "Look, Gil, about that… I-"

"Ja, ja," Gilbert flipped a hand in the air to dismiss whatever the Frenchman was going to say next. "Enough mushy stuff."

Silence descended on the trio for a moment before Francis broke it again.

"I… may not have been entirely truthful the other night…" he said quietly, and Gilbert looked over at him.

"About what?" Antonio asked, glancing up for a second before continuing on with his administrations.

"… I… haven't been in business for… since Jeanne…"

"What are you saying, Franny?"

"… All that crap I pulled on you… it's actually from the therapy that _I've_ been getting…"

He met Gilbert's calculating eyes before glancing away.

"I haven't been the same since Jeanne." His eyes began to mist up. "She… Gilbert, she was the one… and now she's gone, and I couldn't stop it."

Gilbert and Antonio exchanged a quick look.

"So I thought, 'what's the point of giving out romance advice and therapy to sexually frustrated couples if I can't even help myself?' I closed my business and have been living off my emergency stash of money since then…"

After a pause, Gilbert spoke up. "Franny… it wasn't your fault…"

"I know!" the blonde snapped, wiping his eyes with his other hand. "It just hurts, you know? Not being able to save the woman I love… It haunts me everyday…"

"You're a therapist, not a surgeon."

"That doesn't help…"

Gilbert snorted. "What the fuck do you want me to say, Francis?"

Francis let out a solemn chuckle. "I don't want you to say anything…" he sighed. "Just… I'm sorry. I know that you don't mooch, and that you only live with Ludwig for financial reasons. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. You too, Antonio…"

"No worries, amigo," Antonio gave the blonde a small smile, which the blonde returned gratefully. When no response was forthcoming from his other friend, Francis turned a worried gaze to the younger man.

"Gilbert?"

"Ja, whatever…"

Francis was fluent enough in "Gilbert-speak" to know that the albino forgave him.

"Though… you're not exactly wrong…"

Brow furrowing, it was Francis and Antonio who shared a glance this time before turning their attention to Gilbert, who had his back to them as he fiddled with a stick.

"Mon ami?" Francis called.

There was a long pause. "I… I do mooch off West," came Gilbert's quiet reply. "He only lets me live with him because if not, I'd probably end up on the streets…"

"That's not what I meant," Francis tried, but Gilbert cut him off.

"No, it's true!" he snapped. His shoulder's hunched. "I… I hate it. I don't like living off of him like a parasite. It's… it's degrading. And it's not like I don't appreciate what he does for me; he got me a decent job, after all. But… that's not what I want to do for the rest of my life."

"… What _do_ you want to do, Gil?" Antonio asked, tying a knot before cutting the thread with his teeth.

"You know, that's the first time that anyone has asked me that…"

Green and blue eyes looked at each other before the two men got up to sit next on either side of their friend. Gilbert refused to look at them.

"What is it, amigo?" Antonio tried, putting a comforting hand on a pale shoulder.

Gilbert paused before taking a deep breath. "I went back and got my GED…" he muttered, averting his gaze. Antonio's eyes widened in surprise.

"That's great!" Francis told him, clapping the younger man on the knee. "So, what're your plans? I bet Ludwig is so-"

"He doesn't know…"

"I don't understand, Gil," Antonio said. "Why didn't you tell Ludwig? I'm sure he'd be ecstatic about it."

"Because… because he busted his ass trying to convince his boss to get me that job, and if I quit, it'll be like I let him down…" Gilbert mumbled. He scraped the tip of the stick against the rock's surface. "I spent basically my entire life making sure that he's the best that anyone can be, and if I quit, his boss is gonna be pissed at him, and he'll get in trouble and-"

"Gilbert, you're rambling," Francis said softly, a sure sign that the other man was out of his element.

The man ran a hand through his pale hair as he took in a deep breath. After a pause, he continued. "I just… I see everyone around me, and you're all so happy… I know I gave up happiness a long time ago, but West is grown now… Why can't I be happy too? Why the fuck am I the only one who has to be miserable?" he was almost shouting now, and Antonio moved his small, brown hand to hold the larger, paler one.

"I always thought you were happy, Gil…" he muttered. "You never gave us a reason to believe otherwise."

"I was happy!" Gilbert defended. "I mean… I thought I was… and then one day, West get's a promotion, and he's so excited about it, and I wasn't so sure anymore… So I… went on a self-discover trip to figure it out."

"Gilbert, you didn't…" Francis breathed.

The man nodded. "Went to Berlin," he said. "Turns out that's where she'd been the entire time." He shrugged. "She's got a new family. Two little girls. Both… look exactly like West."

"What'd she say when she saw you?" Antonio asked.

"She didn't," was the reply. "I tracked her down, but when I saw her… I couldn't do it. She _left_ because of _me_. Why the fuck would she want to see me when all I do is remind her of what happened?"

"Mon ami," Francis said sharply. "Her leaving had _nothing_ to with you. It was all her fault. She left because she couldn't handle it, and it's not. Your. Fault!"

The only response he got was a shrug.

"What'd Ludwig say?" Antonio broke in, saving Francis from another tirade.

"I didn't tell him. Didn't want to. He doesn't need to know that his own mother has an entire new family to replace him."

"Amigo… what do you _want_ to do?"

After a small silence, Gilbert finally lifted his head up. "I want to be an engineer…" he smiled softly. "I've always liked tinkering with the cars behind Old Frtiz's house, and I'm pretty good with my hands... Give's me something to do, you know?"

Antonio offered him a grin. "That's bueno!" he chirped. "You were wonderful in shop class your sophomore year! I remember that lamp you made!"

"Oh, yeah!" Gilbert said. "The one shaped like a rocket!"

"See?" Francis joined in. "Everything will work out. Both you and Ludwig can be happy. I'm sure that if you just explained it to him, he'd understand. He'd probably even help you."

"…Maybe…"

"Hey, at least you made a decision," Antonio told him. "And had enough balls to act on it. I can't even follow through on my own decisions." He smiled sadly. "Every date I've ever been on, all I do is whatever he or she wants to do…"

"That's not completely a bad thing, Toni," Gilbert said. He smirked. "I mean, if they want sex…"

Chuckling, Antonio smacked him on the arm. "That's not what I meant," he laughed. "I mean… when I asked this one chico what he wanted to do, he told me to meet him in the afternoon. When I asked what time, he told me two… that's prime siesta time, amigos!"

Francis laughed, and Gilbert chuckled. "Antonio, I'm pretty sure that you could have gone one day without a siesta."

"But that's besides the point," the brunette huffed, though he smiled a little. "The fact of the matter is, when I miss a siesta, I kinda don't function properly. At least, not at home. Even now, I'm practically dying. It's a miracle I was able to stitch you up so well."

"If it gets infected, I'm suing your ass."

"Sure you would. I think it's the adrenaline. Like, right now, I don't think I'd be able to sleep even if I wanted to. When we were driving down here, and in the canoe, I dozed off a few times, just 'cause I couldn't stay awake…"

"So you messed up a single date, who cares?" Gilbert waved a hand in the air. "If he doesn't want to do what you want to do, then he doesn't matter… or she. Whichever it is that you end up with."

"But the fact of the matter is," Antonio insisted, "that I did what he wanted to do. And do you know what happened? We went to a museum. While we were getting lunch, he got up and went to the bathroom. I fell asleep at the table, and when I woke up, it was nearly closing time and he was gone…"

"Jerk," Gilbert snorted, flinging his stick into the woods.

"You'll find the one, mon ami," Francis comforted. "Don't worry. Good things come to those who wait."

Gilbert stood up, stretching his arms above his head. "Well, I've had enough of a pity party for one day," he said.

Antonio smiled. "We're pretty pathetic, huh?"

Francis shrugged.

"We're not pathetic. We're awesome."

"Okay, Gil. Whatever you say."

"Damn right."

Antonio giggled. He stood as well. "Let me just pack up the rest of the stuff and we can keep going." He made his way over to where he had deposited the lunch box and its contents. Gilbert helped Francis stand and the two stretched while they waited.

A happy tune began to chime through the forest, the tune familiar.

"Hey, can one of you grab my phone?" Antonio asked, rolling up some gauze and stuffing it into the box.

After a pause, the three friends all shared a look.

"Phone!" Gilbert cried, and he took off in the direction that the sound was coming from.

"How'd your phone get all the way out here?" Francis wondered, grabbing the smaller man's arm and pulling him along as he hastily tried to snap the container shut.

"I don't know!" the Spaniard replied. "The last thing I remember was that it was swallowed by-"

A huge roar tore through the trees, stopping the trio in their tracks momentarily.

"BEAR!" they screamed, and turned on their heels to run the other way.

000000000000000

After finally losing the bear, the trio was still stuck in the woods, completely lost in their escape from two blonde psychos and a bear with family issues.

"Maybe one of us should climb a tree," Francis suggested as they all took a breather under the shade of a huge pine tree. "Whoever goes up can see where we are if there's anything close by. Get some baring of where the fuck we are."

"Good idea," Antonio agreed from his spot near Francis' ankles.

"Yeah, I'll go," Gilbert volunteered and stood. He brushed his pants off and walked to the tree, grabbing a lower branch.

"Oh, Gil! Wait a sec!" Antonio brought out the lunch box and dug through it before producing a pair of binoculars. "Here, you can use these!"

"Geez, Toni," Gilbert snickered as he took them and slung the strap around his neck. "That thing's like that bag from 'Mary Poppins'."

Antonio grinned. Gilbert once more grabbed the lowest branch and hoisted himself up with a grunt. He quickly climbed to the top; the tree was huge and peeked out over the top of the forest with ease.

When he got to the point where he could go no higher, Gilbert found a solid branch and carefully perched on it.

"What'd you see?" Francis called from below.

"Hang on!" Gilbert replied, and brought the binoculars to his eyes. He looked west, his favorite direction, first. When he saw nothing, he frowned and turned south. Nothing there either.

However, as soon as he turned east, his peripheral vision caught something. Frowning more, he focused the binoculars more, the image becoming less blurry.

His mouth dropped open as he watch.

There were two small men in the treetops a few miles away. They looked almost identical from his position, but he could tell that they were extremely attractive even from this distance. One was pouring water all over the other, who then scrubbed gently at the first. The first pushed the second away before allowing him to bathe him.

"Gilbert?" Antonio yelled up. "What'd you see, amigo?"

Blinking, just to make sure that he wasn't seeing things, Gilbert pulled the binoculars away from his eyes. He looked down at the small forms of his friends.

"I think I'm still high!" he told them, red eyes glancing in the direction of the two men in the tree.

A pause from the ground. "What?"

Frowning, Gilbert let go of the binoculars to fall back against his chest. He carefully turned around on his branch and slowly climbed back down the huge trunk. He hopped the last few feet, crouching to absorb the shock in his knees. He handed the binoculars back to Antonio and pointed in the direction he had been looking.

"There're two guys over that way," he said. "Man, and were they hot!"

Francis' eyes nearly bulged from his head. "Really?" he asked.

Gilbert nodded. "They were taking a shower or something."

"In the middle of a forest?" Antonio questioned, brow furrowed.

The albino shrugged. "Hey, I'm not complaining."

"Let's go!" Francis cried. He eagerly grabbed his friend's arm. "Which way, mon ami!"

Gilbert led them in the right direction.

It didn't take them long, and soon, they were met with the sight of a huge tree, at least seven feet in width. About halfway up the trunk, probably a good thirty or forty feet, was a huge structure, almost like a tree house. A balcony went all the way around the trunk, and there were two floors. Railings surrounded the entire thing.

"Hello?" Gilbert called, red eyes scanning the house for any sign of movement.

"Ve!"

"Who the fuck are you?"

Two men, probably early to mid-twenties, were suddenly leaning over the railing, looking down on them. They were nearly identical, except one had a darker shade of brown hair than the other, as well as green eyes instead of brown. Each had a single hair curl standing out from their heads, a different direction for the both of them.

"Uh… hello?" Gilbert repeated, slightly confused. "We're… kinda lost… we were wondering-"

The one with the brown eyes spoke up. "Ve! What are you doing lost all the way out here?"

"It's a long story!"

Francis leaned over to Antonio as Gilbert and the two men talked. "Mon ami… if you look towards the right a little, you can totally see their butts."

Eyes widening, Antonio leaned a little. He grinned. "Dat ass…" he muttered, and Francis nodded in approval.

"We were wondering if you had a phone or a radio or something…?" Gilbert was asking.

"Of course we do!" the other man yelled. "But why the fuck would we let you use it?"

"Ve, fratello, be nice…"

"Don't gimme that face!"

"Please?" Gilbert pleaded. "It'll just be for a little while!"

"Si!" the cheerful one said happily. He turned to the second. "Fratello, go get the ladder."

"Why do I have to fucking get it?"

"Because you love me…"

"… Fine…" One of them disappeared.

"What're your names?" the man asked. "I'm 'Pasta' and my fratello is 'Pizza'!"

"Don't tell them our names, idiot!"

"I'm Gilbert!" the albino replied. "That's Antonio and that's Francis." He pointed to his friends accordingly.

"Ve, what are your _food_ names?"

Exchanging a confused look, the three friends considered for a moment.

"Uh…" Gilbert stammered. "I'm… uh… Wurst…?"

"I call Tomato!" Antonio cried, trying to get dibs on his favorite thing to eat.

"And he's Snail!" Gilbert grinned, pointing at Francis.

"What?"

"Oh, come on. You know that one thing were you eat snails… what's it called…"

"Escargo?" Francis asked with a glare.

"Close enough."

"I will not be called 'Snail,' Gilbert!"

"Kesesese. Too late!"

Before Francis could cause his friend bodily harm, a rope ladder suddenly appeared in front of him, reaching up to a small hole in the floor of the balcony. The trio glanced up.

"If you want to use our radio so badly, get your asses up here, fucking bastards," the one called Pizza called down.

Snickering, Gilbert was the first to climb grab onto the ladder. Francis followed him.

"If you start making this thing swing, Gilbert…" Francis let his threat hang in the air.

An evil chuckle was his only reply.

"Come on, Gil," Antonio pleaded, climbing behind Francis, who was halfway up the ladder. "We're all tired. Just let it go, amigo."

"Aw, you're no fun."

"Merci, Antonio."

"De nada, Francis."

"You two are party poopers." Gilbert had reached the balcony and climbed through the opening, ending up on all fours. Francis followed suit soon after, and as soon as Antonio had climbed through, Pizza quickly rolled up the ladder and left to put it away.

"Ve!" Pasta cried, immediately attaching himself to Francis in a huge hug. The blonde looked up at his friends, eyebrows raised. Antonio shrugged, a small grin on his face, and Gilbert was oblivious, looking around the structure. There was a small area that had a canopy above it for a form of shelter, wooden walls surrounding it on one side and the tree trunk on the other.

It was, quite, simply, not bad.

"So what are you doing all the way out here?" Pasta asked, craning his head to look up at Francis.

"Probably part of some stupid cult…" Pizza said, striding back into view. Antonio and his eyes locked, and the Italian man looked away.

This time, it was Gilbert who raised his eyebrows at Antonio.

"We're not part of a cult," Gilbert said, running a red eye over the two men. "We were camping in the woods and some shit happened and now we're stuck here with no radio and no way to get home."

"Oh, that's terrible!" Pasta cried, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. He let go of his body wrap around Francis and grabbed his hand instead, leading him around the perimeter of the balcony. "Come!"

"Oi!" Pizza called, frowning. He glared at the other two friends before stomping after his brother. "Where the fuck are you taking him?"

Gilbert and Antonio exchanged glances before hurrying after the three.

It looked as though on the other side, there was a small living area, complete with makeshift beds, a wooden table, and blankets of the sort.

They also saw a very angry Pizza sputtering as Pasta continued to remove a grinning Francis' clothes.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" he screamed, green eyes bugging out.

"Ve?" Pasta looked up, honestly confused. "He's all wet. He'll catch a cold if he stays in these clothes any longer."

"I DON'T CARE! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!"

Francis chuckled and grabbed the brunette, pulling him close to his bare chest. "Mon ami, your brother is right."

Behind Pizza, Gilbert snickered. He and Antonio knew _exactly_ where this was going.

"Feliciano, I swear to God, if you don't-"

"Feliciano?" Antonio echoed, frown on his face. "Who's Feliciano?"

Pizza had clamped his hands over his mouth and had gone red from both anger and embarrassment. Pasta – or, rather, Feliciano, as he was originally called – looked wide-eyed at his brother.

"Fratello…" he breathed.

"Fuck…"

In a flash, Feliciano broke away from Francis and stood away from them, pointing a finger at his brother. "YOU SAID MY NAME! SHAME ON YOU! HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU CARED!"

"What's going on…?" Gilbert asked, a little worried for the two small men's sanity.

Feliciano turned to their guests. "Sorry. Fratello just broke rule number twelve. 'No uttering of birth names while in Hetalia.' AND HE BROKE IT!"

"Wait, you mean their name's aren't Pizza and Pasta?" Antonio questioned, frowning. Gilbert face-palmed.

"Of course those aren't our real names, you stupid bastard," the one still called Pizza snapped. "We use code names so that the people from the logging company don't know who we really are press charges."

"Wait, what's Hetalia?" Francis asked.

"This tree!" Feliciano chirped, his anguish at his brother seemingly to evaporate in milliseconds. "We've been here for almost two years! The logging company really doesn't like us…"

Pizza suddenly felt a pressure against his back, and he stumbled forward slightly.

"Kesesese… So what's your name?" Gilbert purred, latching a hand around the Italian's wrist to steady him.

"Well, since fratello already told you my name, his name is Lovino," Feliciano perked up, back to undressing Francis, much to the blonde's enjoyment and his brother's anger. He wrenched out of Gilbert's smirking grip.

"Shut up!"

Now that Francis was stripped completely down to his boxers, Feliciano threw a blanket over him and moved to Gilbert, He grabbed the soaked hoodie that the other was wearing and tugged it over the surprised albino's head. The younger Italian glanced at his older brother.

"Fratello, don't just stand there." He jerked his head to the last member of the trio. "Help Tomato out of his clothes."

"Why the fuck should I?"

Gilbert was surprised to see the smirk form on the cheerful man's face. "You love tomatoes, ve?"

Lovino's face became red once more and he sputtered until Feliciano gave him a cold glare. He then made his way over to a blinking Antonio.

"Take off your shirt," he muttered.

Oblivious as ever, Antonio grinned. "Okay!" he stripped himself of his shirt.

"Pants. Off. Now."

"Aw, what? No dinner first?"

Gilbert and Francis nearly died laughing, and Lovino's face grew even redder as Antonio shimmied out of his jeans. Trust the Spaniard to insert something along those lines.

"You look like a little tomato!" Antonio cried happily, grabbing Lovino and holding his face to his chest in a hug. The other man flailed, trying to escape.

When he finally broke away, he shoved the brunette to the floor and threw a blanket over his head. "Bastard!" he snarled. He aimed a kick at the helpless Antonio and walked away with his clothes.

"So tell me all about your trip!" Feliciano said, plopping down in the middle of their little circle.

"Can we use a cell phone first?" Gilbert asked, cocooned in a series of heavy blankets. He looked a little helpless, trying desperately to get at least a hand free.

"Cell phone's are bad for the environment," Feliciano replied. He crawled to Gilbert and stopped his struggle with the blankets. "Let us nurture you first!"

"What?" Gilbert squawked, red eyes widening. In any other circumstances, he would have been fine, but trapped in the blankets, and he didn't quite like his predicament.

Lovino returned. Feliciano shot him a glare, still angry at giving away his name. "You can help Tomato!"

"What the fuck, Feli?" Lovino returned the glare.

Francis, feeling put out by his lack of attention, stood up, blanket falling off his shoulders and landing on the wooden floor.

"Snail could use some loving!" he cried.

The two Italians looked at each other. Lovino huffed and made his way to Antonio, while Feliciano continued to prevent Gilbert from breaking out of his soft prison.

Frowning, Francis sat back down. "I get no l'amour," he sighed, setting his chin on his hand.

As the blonde retreated into his own little emo corner, Lovino marched over to the Spaniard.

"You know, I could you give a massage," Antonio quipped. "I'm actually very good at that."

"It's true!" Francis agreed. He had found a case of wine and was eagerly pouring himself a glass. He swirled the liquid around before taking a sip. He smiled. "Ah…"

Lovino looked wary. Though, he did kneel in front of Antonio and let the Spaniard begin kneading his shoulders. It was then that the trio launched into their tale.

When they were finished, Feliciano hugged Gilbert. "Oh, that's terrible! You poor souls!" Lovino glared at him. He had turned around and he and Antonio had been quietly talking for the second half of the story. A cry from behind made him whip around once more.

Gilbert had fallen over his haste to escape his cocoon, and now Feliciano was gushing over him even more. He looked up at Francis for help, pleading with his eyes.

"Look, can we just use your radio or something?" he asked, finally working a hand free and pushing himself up.

Frowning, Feliciano sighed. "Sure." He reached behind him and produced a speaker, connected to a radio box. Francis stood up and took it from gratefully.

"Uh, hello?" he asked into the receiver. "Is anyone there? We need some help, here…"

"You have to say 'over'," Gilbert told him when there was no response.

"Hello? Over?" Francis tried, casting a look at his friends.

"Hello, over," came a static-filled voice from the other side of the radio.

Francis grinned.

"See?" Gilbert smirked.

"Uh, hi! We're currently sitting in a huge tree and we're being chased by two weird hillbillies with sexual tension… over…"

There was a long pause on the other end. When the voice came back, it was strained, as if the person were talking through clenched teeth. Not that anyone else noticed…

"Right… Well, just give us the coordinates and we'll come find you…"

Francis looked at Feliciano, who grabbed the radio from him and gave the man their position. "We're in a giant tree called Hetalia, over," he ended, grinning at his guests.

"A tree… right… We'll be there soon to offer assistance."

The tree's occupants cheered. A few miles away on the ground, Arthur smirked at Alfred. He raised his radio to his mouth. "Just hang tight, over," he told them. "We're coming to get you."

Alfred grinned maliciously as he started the four-wheeler. Arthur tucked his radio back into his pocket, turned the key in his own vehicle, and set out towards the coordinates, Alfred following closely.

* * *

><p>ITALYS! Lol. Yes, the Italy's make an appearance. I apologize if they're OOC, but that's the wonder of an AU, no? And... and...<p>

I really do hate this chapter.

NOTE TIME!

1) More memes! Cookies to whoever can pick them out!

2) Gilbert's mom: In any AU, I have this headcanon that Gilbert raised Ludwig. Most of the time, I usually have her die right after Ludwig is born, or in some car accident. Germania is usually either dead, or a bad father, who realizes his mistakes at a much later time, but by then, it's too late. In this case, Caesar (My headcanon name for Holy Rome) and his father both died in a car accident that Gilbert blames himself for. After their untimely deaths, Gil's mom couldn't handle the tragedy, so she took off, leaving Gilbert and Ludwig to fend for themselves. Their friendly neighbor, Old Fritz, took over watching out for them, but died when Gilbert turned sixteen, at which point, he dropped out of high school to work at several jobs. In this story, him and Ludwig are about four years apart.

3) Antonio's story: I had a real tough time coming up with angst for Toni... I couldn't settle on something, so I tried my best, but it's still horrible compared with Francis' and Gil's stories. *Shrugs* Oh, well. What's done is done. Just go with it. Besides, we all know Toni is whipped, so it wouldn't surprise me that he would do whatever his partner wanted, despite his own feelings on the matter.

I... think that's it... Let me just say that writing Romano was uber fun! I can't wait to write him in the next scene with-

Ah... I think I'll leave you at that... XD

Reviews give authors motivation to study... Flames are used to burn my Ochem stuff...


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